The Wait.

sometimes we get caught up in the future. chasing things that havent occurred.

im sick and tired of it. no matter how fast i run, im still stuck in the present...ill never be able to catch up with the future..ever.

so im trying to live in the now...taking each day one at a time, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.

because time will tell everything.

all of the mysteries of today will be unraveled eventually. things will begin to make sense. the vision will get clearer.

im not saying its not hard...but i think im finally okay with waiting (not that i had a choice).

...

i stopped counting.

After Winter, Must Come Spring

this week has been surprisingly wonderful.

its much needed after experiencing the hardest week ever last week.

ive been getting such beautiful text messages lately. just little notes saying that im loved and encouraging me to have a great day. i love that! it makes me feel so special...and i really think it makes my day a whole lot brighter.

i also got a 97 on my stats test....WOOOO HOOOO!! i was totally not expecting that. i was SO stressed this weekend because i had 2 tests on monday (stats and organic chem yuckkk). I really wasnt grasping the material like i needed to, and being the over achiever that i am, it drove me crazy. i was so sad smh.

i guess its true when they say 'after winter must come spring.' last week was so dreary...i cried every single day...but it all made me strong enough to do what i need to do this week.

there is a lesson in everything.

last weeks lesson was on patience. it was about trusting God to do whats best for me and to eventually get me where i need to be, no matter how bad things seem at the moment.

im looking forward to the rest of my week being just as fabulous as these first few days have been =]

day 29.

Im Learning.

sometimes it gets hard.

when things in my life get difficult, i look for those encouraging words. i look for someone to guide me. to tell me everythings going to be okay. to offer their advice, even if its not what i want to hear.

sometimes...i look for someone who will simply hold me when i cry. who will let me get it all out. who will listen patiently. who will make things better in the end.

im not used to being all that for myself. im not used to being my own backbone...to wiping my own tears.

but im learning.

im learning that not everyone i encounter in my lifetime will possess these qualities...no matter how badly i want them to.

im learning what it means to be my own bestfriend.

im learning to be independent.

and its hard.

so hard.

day 27.

Sick.

im sick.

ive been stuck in the bed since thursday=[

i hate being sick when im away from home because theres no one to take care of me. ive been doing everything on my own and it sucks...i just want to rest.

im extra bored, and theres no one for me to talk to. i know im driving ppl crazy by texting them non stop...but a true ROD [ride or die] would put up with and entertain my nagginess.

everyday i feel a little better, but a new symptom pops up smh.

sigh.

day 26

Im Just a Sinner.

..and i know its wrong to want to see someone fail. and im trying not to feel this way.

but honestly. i dont want you to be happy. i feel that way from the very bottom of my heart.

it makes me sick feeling this way.

but if you denied me my fairytale, why should you have yours?!

karma karma karma.

it sucks knowing what Jesus would want you to do..knowing how He would want you to think. but not being able to change no matter how hard you try.

im just a sinner. =[

and ill pray on it. and ill try, i really will, to wish you well.

but for now it is what it is.

Fury.

i am so totally and completely jealous of you...its ridiculous.

honestly. i dont understand why you didnt want me to be happy. you ruined our happiness. all for your own gain.

you were selfish.

but when the oppurtunity came for you to be happy...you snatched it up. you prevented me from having what you finally found.

my mother told me never to say i hate someone [she says its too strong of a word]...but i really really really fucking dislike you.

YES.

i blame YOU for EVERYTHING.

you selfish bastard.

this has been heavy on my heart for so long...and i cant hold it in any longer.

you were supposed to be his friend.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i blame you for being so selfish. and i blame you for being such a follower.

day flippin 21.

Hate is a Strong Word But..

someone said something indirectly pertaining to you...and i digressed about 14 days.

i hate myself for being so damn passionate. for having this drive. for wanting to fight for what i know in my heart is right.

i hate that im driven by the possibility of perfection.

i hate it.

day twenty.

Live Well, Love Well, Leave Better.

I went to a memorial service today for Theo Smalling, a fellow hamptonian. it was beautiful.

I realized something today. While in college, you dont realize that people have lives at home. You dont realize that the people you encounter on a daily basis have people back home who love and support them. That they are someones son/daughter,cousin,friend, even hero. You dont realize that by simply attending school, by making it thus far, they have made their parents/families overwhemingly proud.

We dont think about that.

The people ive encountered at Hampton University actually had lives before becoming Hamptonians. WOW. And the majority of them will have lives after they leave HU. WOW.

And then i realized. We dont REALLY know one another. You have no clue what someone has gone through in the past. You dont know their aspirations for the future. All you know is now.

The things you do now have the potential to create lasting impressions. You can change someones life after a 5 minute encounter. You can unknowingly make someone smile everyday. People can fall in love with your now, and may carry that moment into forever.

Each and everyday, you should live to your full potential. Think to yourself, if today was my last...would my family be proud of the person ive become? Would they be proud of both the then and the now?

*Would I be proud of myself?*

Theo's basketball coach said something that i think i will carry with me forever. Something I wish to pass on to my own children, and to anyone who will listen. Live well, love well, and leave better.

Whatever you choose to do in your life, make sure you leave this world better than it was when you got here.

In the Blink of an Eye

Recently, my school has lost a fellow student.

It was his senior year...and it was his 22nd birthday. all over a careless mistake (not on his part).

Even though I didnt know him, i do remember seeing him around. And it hurt me. One person can leave your life in the blink of an eye. One moment theyre there..the next, theyre not.

If the death of a stranger affected me in such a way, i cant imagine how the death of a friend would.

I think of all of the bullshit ive been going through lately. All of the people that i never reconciled with. All the damage that would be left behind if i was to magically leave this earth.

And then i wonder if they would even care. If you would care.

Are things that crucial, that important, to carry over for so long? Is it worth the risk of possibly never getting to say goodbye?

Its human nature to always think we have tomorrow. That we'll have one more day to make things right. But we dont.

the only thing definite in this lifetime is now. everything after that is circumstancial.

day 17.

This...

distractions work for a while...but one thing always remains the same.

this yearning, this hope, this love..

i cant shake this feeling

day 13.

Up Up and Away

things can only go up from here, right?

right.

**day nine was a struggle. but im so good (destinys child voice)♥

Like My Daddy

So i had a good talk with my daddy last night..i told him everything.

He didnt quite tell me what i wanted to hear...but i guess thats part of the reason that i love him so much. He doesnt sugarcoat anything.

He told me that from here things can go one of two ways. You could be mad for a while, and then hit me up when youre ready...or you could get over me.

ouch.

He told me that it would be hard to understand because im a woman...and hes right. I cant imagine being so in love with someone, that i would give it all up over something so minuscule. How could i walk away from something that i know in my heart is right, all over some bullshit?

He said that its not like that with men (especially the young ones)...they have the 'if she leaves, let her go' mentality.

But sometimes, dont you have to set your pride aside to get something that you love? I know its hard sometimes, but arent you supposed to fight? How could you possibly just walk away so easily?

I dont know..

I do know that i needed that reality check. I know how i feel...and i realize that if its real, things will work themselves out. No need to stress whats already written in the stars right?

..day 8

I love my daddy. (Beyonce- Daddy, on repeat)

Give and Take

"the first time i say no, its like i never said yes.."

smh i dont know how many times i can apologize..for you to know that i did this for me, not because of you. i stuck around through it all with you...through everything.

but the first time i do something for myself, youre gone.

day 7.

Extremes.

"People be on some other stuff...all you can do is just...let it go. I mean, from there it can only go 2 ways.

1. people will say you're very mature.
2. people will say you're very stuck up."
- Ashley Michelle


day 5.

Power

Its so crazy to me how people feel that they have power over the lives of others.

i mean, what would make you think that you have the authority to do what only God is authorized to do--judge me.

i try not to do things to other people that i wouldnt like done to me. but its really hard. God is testing me right now. its hard for me not to anticipate the arrival of your karma.

we are too old, too grown, too busy for this.

why are adults still doing things to sabotage one another? is it jealousy?

the more that i think about it, the more that i think it is. this is beyond hating...this is pure envy. and its sad.

people who have to look for the flaws in others in order to make themselves feel good. are you threatened by me? because i am an intelligent,proud, beautiful, well rounded black woman? i dont understand.

one thing i do know is that i wont change for anybody. i will remain strong..and i will not give you the power to break me.

instead i will pray for you.

im growing in my faith, and my first lesson is on acceptance.

..day 4

Hidden Meaning

day 2.

day 2 was so hectic, that i didnt have time to focus on all of the days that came before it.

-i wish i still possessed the innocence of a child. no worries..everything can be solved with a kiss, hug, and some ice cream. children are so willing to believe that everything will be okay...there is no doubt in their minds.

-coming to college made me realize how absolutely blessed i am to have grown up the way that i did. my family has always, always been supportive of me. both my mom and dads side are so close, i love it. they raised me to be strong, hardworking, and open minded. of course theyre not perfect, but id say they did a pretty good job with me.

-today was a reminder to me that everything happens for a reason. all of the things ive been through, were to teach me a lesson. its up to me to recognize what God is trying to teach me, and to use that to better myself.

day 2 was a day of acceptance and realization.

Why Buy the Cow?

"if a man thinks he wont lose you, then he doesnt have to work to keep you."
-Ashley Michelle



....day 1.

i did it.

Expect Less

okay, so i may have jumped to some conclusions earlier.

but i still needed to do what i did. i needed to make him completely unavailable to me. so that i could see if im the only one whos heart is still in this.

either way, i need to start healing.

i need to know that all of this wasnt in vain.

hopefully i was wrong about everything. hopefully he'll make things better..

but im not expecting anything.

Understanding

the worst thing is knowing, that no matter how much you love someone...he will never love you the same.

that he doesnt care enough to make sure youre okay.

..i cant do it anymore.

youd think id run out of tears by now...but theyre still here.

Ex-Factor

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will..

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will


Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

Silver && Gold

so...im sitting here at 11 o'clock on a friday night blown outta my mind. i really wanna go out and have some fun!

i realize now that i need new friends. i mean, id still keep the old...but i need to start branching out. i need to be comfortable hanging out with different people. i need a change.

and i mean female friends. ive never been a catty girl...ive always had a plethora of girlfriends on deck...but not in college. i found a group i was comfortable with freshman yr and i settled.

thats one of my biggest regrets. i never got out there and networked. sure i have a ton of "school" friends..but none that i can call up on the weekends and say 'ayy girlie..lets go out!'

i want that. badly...sigh...i hope its not too late.

'make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver and the others gold."

Lonely Pain.

sometimes i wish i had a best friend. a hard core one.

ive had so many throughout the yrs...but none who have remained constant.

i dont usually tell all my business...but i think it would nice to have someone there...just in case i decided to.

im so lonely lately. even in a room full of people. its like im sitting in darkness. like somethings missing.

i thought id found one...finally. but theyve been playing me as of late---at the time when i need them the most. i dont know why..i dont understand it.

it hurts.

when you think you have someone, and they suddenly disappear..you realize you have no one but yourself.lonely pain is the worst pain, im convinced.

i think maybe ive been alone for some time now...i just didnt realize it.

my heart aches.

Silly Bitch.

SMH so despite all of the progress ive made..it all came crashing down yesterday.

I feel so silly. I allowed you to come back into my world and i put my guard down. stupid stupid stupid me. Months ago, if you would have treated me this way, i would have shook it off...'fuck him..im over it.' but now...

you had me thinking that maybe..just MAYBE you changed. its not your fault..i should have known better right?

absolutely.

remember, i know you. perhaps better than anyone. and you love me. it scares you. ive tried sitting back and allowing you to come to terms with this..but IM DONE.

ITS UNFORTUNATE that no matter how many seasons pass, you still do.the.same.shit. smh. im not saying that im done with you...not yet. but i am done letting you treat me like some bitch off the street.

you dont hurt the person you love. over and over again.

you dont make her cry at night.

you dont disregard her feelings and shut her out when she tries to talk to you.

im done. i wont be here forever. ive told you this before....but maybe you dont believe me? idk.

im not pressed anymore. if you want to talk to me...you hit me up. you call to see how things are going. you call to wish me good luck on a test. one day hopefully you'll be man enough to accept your feelings...and to show them to me.

if not...gee thats unfortunate...but ill be okay.

i cant even front and say im not hurt. because i am. you still dont give a fuck..and you probably never did.

im done being the silly bitch.

Thanks For the Memories.

have you ever had a memory so perfect, that you wish you could bask in its greatness forever?

a moment where time stood still, and all that was apparent was you and your happiness (whatever that may be).

have you ever dreaded returning back to reality, because you knew that once you did, nothing would be the same? once its gone, there is no way to regain the intensity you felt just seconds before.

sometimes i wish that i could live in my memories forever (the good ones of course). that i could remember exactly how it felt when you took my hand. that i could still feel the traces left behind by your kiss. that i could simply hold you into eternity.

but its impossible.

time is fleeting, and try as i might, i cant dream forever.

soon i wake up, and realize that all we have are memories, things arent so perfectly perfect, and perhaps im the only one who is holding on to what has already been.

thanks for the memories...i guess.

How Blessed is She?

blessed.

honestly, thats the only word that could possibly describe the life i live. ive gone through so much in 20 years...and yet, im still here.

that in itself is a blessing.

one day i woke up and i finally realized how beautiful my life was...

[that bad times dont last forever, that tears make you stronger. that one failure WONT ruin your life, that smiles are priceless.that a hug (i mean a REALLY good hug) can chase all your worries away...that sometimes all you can do is pray. that the only person you have to answer to is God, that love can move mountains. that communication is essential, that memories are perfect. that you grow from your mistakes, and everyday is a lesson learned. that you get out of life what you put in. and that hard work beats talent when talent doesnt work hard enough. that people come and go, but the important ones remain constant. that sometimes its okay to be alone..that its okay to dance in the street. that your name is all you have, that tomorrow it could all be game. that if life was simple, it wouldnt be fun. that true beauty lies within. that there are some things that you have to learn on your own. that there is someone for everyone, that you should share your gifts with others..]


THAT was the day that i truly started living.

sorry for neglecting you babiesss! im going thru some issues [no internet at the cribbo] but ill be back!!

love you xoxo

All Because Im a Taurus

The month of May is governed by the planet Venus and by the reliable sign of Taurus. Others perceive you as beautiful, somehow stubborn and practical. You are the moneymaking sign of the Zodiac and you have stability and true love to offer to others.

You need to control your jealousy, insecurity, and your authoritarian attitudes. You are a gifted artist and strive for organization. You are also attracted to the professions of banking, real estate, the arts, computers, radio, television, Astropsychology, aeronautics and investigation, to name a few.

Many "Bulls" will reach fame and fortune and enjoy the security of a beautiful and big house. Strong and dominant, you have inherited a deep intuition, a tremendous common sense, and a powerful will. Venus rules love and possession; you must avoid destructive thoughts pertaining to jealousy, stubbornness and insecurity.

Learn to channel Venus' constructive powers towards creativity, diplomacy and love. If you behave in an insecure stubborn and unattractive manner, you will lose it all in the end.

Your down-to-earth approach to life must not interfere with your spiritual growth. Part of your lesson in this lifetime is to keep an open mind to the world of the spirit and use the metaphysical information to ensure financial growth by adapting to the moons fluctuations (see Moon Power). Your desire for practicality and riches is legendary but you will always regenerate with New Age and metaphysical matters.

You will courageously handle the difficulties of life with a solid attitude, and you inherited a beautiful nobility of purpose. Girls born in May are beautiful, classic, intellectual, magnetic, and sensitive, and will always combine Venus' beauty and sensual magnetism to attain their goals.

You are meticulous and critical about your mate and it is important for you to marry someone well groomed and well respected. With you, love must last forever.

Food is often on your mind; do not eat when you are upset. Remember to respect the Universal Law (see Moon Power), as your awareness and moon planning will become a major contribution towards reaching many of your dreams.

My Mind is Racing Like Shit

sigh....theres so much on my mind right now

-WHY am i so damn broke? im not used to this shit. i cant even go out and do anything fun with my friends before i leave for school=[ it sucks and i hate it.

-i miss him.

-what does that mean???

-maybe it wasnt a joke after all?

-im going to make that trip...lowkey.

-family members are beginning to follow me on twitter. is there a limited profile option?

-how did they even find me?!

-im uber jealous when it comes to him. but i shouldnt be because ill always be number one.

-i enjoy when bitches try to get at him and arent just in it for the sex. dont give him your heart ladies...its already taken.

-i hate subliminal tweets. man up and @ me bitch.

-i dont care enough to trust you :-x

-being wifed isnt on my list of things to do anymore. i like being a free spirit.

-i do what i want.

-i dont have to like everyone. and i could give a fuck less if everyone likes me.

-why do my parents keep talking to me??? when i CLEARLY dont want to be bothered by anyone right now.

-my mind keeps racing...i feel lik im on drugs lls

thats all for now kiddies.

The Skin Im In.

“Look at me. I’m skinny, I have a big nose, no tits and no ass, but in a room full of beautiful women, I would still leave with the most gorgeous guy.”
- Zoe Saldana

i love this. it took me soo long to become comfortable in the skin im in. when i first got to high school, i was soo embarassed. i hated the way i looked. but by the time i turned 16, Ciara came out....and she looked like ME. petite as hell lol. but u know what? she was still a bad bitch. people loved her...they thought she was gorgeous.

thats the first time i realized that its okay to look different than everyone else. i have so much more to offer than my body. and i love it. i love me!

ladies...be comfortable in the skin youre in! your attitude and the way you carry yourself is what makes you beautiful. if youre beautiful inside, youll feel beautiful outside.

thank God for what He's blessed you with dolls. Looks dont last forever, they can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

The Trifest Nigga, What.

"If you have a shortie, but you dont show love, oh yes son, im talkin to you."

so today im facebook browsing (stalking...watevs) and i come across this random girls page. i start going through her pics and i notice she has pics with this one dude...over and over and over again. the same dude who tried to talk to me a few months back. LOL.

i dig a lil deeper and find out that theyve been together damn near a year! shes writin notes about how in love she is and shit. and i cant help but feel a little disgusted. hes triflin as hell.

i dont understand how guys can tell one girl they love her. that shes his world...that he wants this forever...but hes still chasin the hoes! it makes no sense to me. how dare you hurt someone you "love"?

i feel so bad for this girl, you dont even know. females are so blinded by the fairytale, that we dont realize when were being played. its sad.

guys..please dont wife her if youre not ready. dont break her heart...please. if you love her, let her know. treat her right. be there for her. wipe her tears when shes sad. rub her back when shes not feeling well. dont cheat on her.

if you feel like your going to, let her go. dont keep secrets. be real with her. love her enough, not to hurt her.

dont make her cry.

respect her enough to stay true to her, like she stays true to you.

dont do anything to her, that you wouldnt want her to do to you.

Just a Thought..

sometimes,
feelings are just too strong to disregard.

try as i might,
i cant get past the thought
that you might be loving her.

it kills me.

sometimes,
i wonder if you call her..
before or after you talk to me.

how much time are you investing?

sometimes,
these thoughts creep into my mind..
and rest on the tip of my tongue,
before retreating back into my subconscious.

they haunt me.

sometimes,
i get so wrapped up in you,
that i forget about me..
and what i deserve.

the truth.

sometimes baby,
i wonder whos loving you.

Its About Time I Make That Move..

is it possible to approach a situation without creating drama? even if i come at her MAD respectful...how will she react?

i have some questions and only you have the answers. ive been avoiding it, but all signs always come straight back to you. ughh. im like the nicest girl...i wont come at you like a ghetto bird bitch, i promise.

please please please dont give me a reason to get reckless sweetie =\

please?

The Miracles of the Heart

sigh. do you ever completely get over someone who once had your heart? in my book...true love is indestructible. it is everlasting.

despite this...it does change over time. you may fall in and out of love...but you still love him. how could you not?? times weren't always the worst, and at one point he made you smile.

your love may bend and morph. it may allow you to fall in love with someone else. but a portion of it stays with him. it is his, and his is yours. this is unavoidable to me. no matter how hard you try to talk yourself out of it. no matter how hard u try to act like it doesnt phase you when you think hes moved on...you still feel some type of way. at least i do. and i know its the same for guys.

the things our heart is capable of smh.

to be able to hold past, present, and future loves...all in the same being. its remarkable really. none of them go anywhere. they just change according to your physical and mental needs...and make room for another love.

like when parents worry about bringing a new child into a family. they wonder how they could possibly have enough love to go around. how could you possibly be able to love your new baby as much as you love your first? they worry. and then as soon as they see their little ones face, their love instantly multiplies.

the same is true with relationships. you may think that you could never love someone as much as you loved him. its impossible right?

wrong.

one day youll meet a new him. and you'll fall in love again. your heart will make room for this new energy.

no one will be able to replace your past him. and thats ok.

just make sure you realize that you CAN love again. its not impossible ladies.

Love Vs. Money

Today one of my tweeters prompted the question "Whats more important, love or money?" I thought it was such an easy question....MONEY, duh. But the more people responded, I noticed that i was the only person who felt like this.

You guys know im the biggest love lover around...but I had to disagree. I mean, Im not money hungry...nor am I a gold digger...but love can not pay your bills. I wish that the world was different...that love would overcome all adversity. But thats simply not the case.

If a man proposed to you today, he had no job, no income, no car, and no place for u guys to live...but you loved the HELL out of him...would you say yes? I know i wouldnt, and no matter how much u deny it, im sure 99.9% of you would say no also. In fact, I dont think i would even allow myself to get so deeply involved with someone who was not financially stable.

I feel like the thing that would make me happiest in life (after i have a family) will be being able to support them on all fronts. Id love to be able to provide my children with everything that they need, as well as some of the things that they want. Id love to be able to take them to the doctor when theyre sick....because i can afford insurance. I want them to be able to participate in extracurricular activities if they want to. I dont want them to have to worry about how theyre going to pay for college. I want my children to have all of the oppurtunity in the world.

No matter how abundant the love is in our household, no matter how happy they appear, i dont think i will be able to be 100% happy unless i know that i am giving them all that i can. That they have a roof over their heads each night and food in their bellies. That their clothes fit. That they come home everyday and the lights are on...and the water works.

That is success to me. Being able to provide for those that I care about.

I thank God that my parents did the best that they could for my brother and I. We dont have a lot of money...but we do have enough to live a comfortable lifestyle. My parents sacrificed vacations, new clothes (for themselves), and other luxuries all so we could have a better life than they did. They were at every dance recital, every cheer competition, every girl scout ceremony, every PTA meeting, etc. And i love them for that.

To me...in order to be completely happy you have to have both love and money. Love alone cannot provide for your family.

No matter how you twist it...its not possible.

Without the proper balance of both, your happiness will eventually fade.

Its Human Nature.

WOW ive been gone forever my blog lovies, but im back! Classes are almost over soooo ima have a lot more time to get my thoughts out there=]

Sometimes i just dont learn my lesson.

And its not just me, i see this flaw in my friends, my family, in strangers..it sucks. Im working on learning (well, not learning, but remembering) that i can not change people. Why is such a simple concept so hard to grasp?

Sweethearts, i reiterate, you can not change people, unless of course, they are ready to change.

Perhaps its like the late great MJ said...its just human nature! i distance myself from people because of the ways that they have hurt me in the past. Im so determined at that moment, never to let them get that close to me again. Closeness is an open invitation for broken-ness and only certain people should be extended that invitation.

But then, the day comes when i have a change of heart. i begin reminiscing about the good times we had, the love, the laughter, the smiles....and i want it back. I decide to forgive, but never forget. To allow him or her back into my life, but under strict circumstances:

1)im not going to tell him/ her my business
2)i wont answer his calls after friend hours (12 am)
3)bullshit bullshit bullshit

Looking back at my logic now, what the hell was i thinking? What kind of "friendship" involves shielding your thoughts, feelings, and/or emotions from one another? That isnt friendship loves...its simply non-existent.

I need to stop allowing people back into my life under these conditions. Ive realized once again that some people are in my past for a reason. Daddy told me once that people are in your life 'for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.' Keeping people in your life for longer than their allotted time will only hold you back.

Wait, let me say this again...

KEEPING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE FOR LONGER THAN THEIR ALLOTTED TIME WILL ONLY HOLD YOU BACK.

You cant change people, or their ways. Even if things seem to be going good in the beginning, i guarantee that he or she will slip back into their ways and you will end up hurt and broken once again. Who needs that negative energy in their life?

Im not saying that people cant change, because i truly believe that they can. But dont force the change on them. If he or she is ready, then let them come to you. Dont chase unrealistic fairy tales.

Make that your human nature.

Who is She to You?

Who is she to you?

A question that so many of us have found ourselves asking time and time again. Always in the back of our minds, the past continuously coincides with our futures. No matter how hard we try, no matter how fast we run, we cannot escape ourselves.

The past is what makes me who i am. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that i dont regret anything thats ever happened to me. All of the heartaches, all of the pain, all of the laughs and lessons learned all make me me. They are the reason that i am able to hold my head high today. The reason i glide when i walk...the reason i am ready for other people to notice the beauty thats been within me all along.

The past defines our relationships. His past, her past, your past all become one the moment that you trust another person with your heart. The things he learned from her, he will carry on and share with you. The mistakes you made with him, you will try your hardest to do things differently this time around. The past should ultimately help you grow into the woman (or man) that you want to be. Both your trials and triumphs will help mold you into the perfect imperfection that someone is longing for.

What do you do, however, when the past is hindering the growth of your relationship? Its not that he has given any cause for alarm, but that she is still trying to fight her way into your picture perfect frame.

As a woman, i am extremely receptive. I notice and remember EVERYTHING. Its not that i go out of my way to be a private eye, i just cant help it....its in my DNA.

What we dont pick up on, our friends do. They become our eyes when we are blind and our ears when we are deaf. Friendship is a beautiful and necessary part of life. But its almost as dangerous as it is wonderful. Friends can "help" you discover things that you never really needed to notice. They put thoughts (and sometimes lies) in your head in an attempt to help you. Just to ensure that you wont get hurt again. Unknowingly pushing you straight into heartbreaks arms.

Pre-heartbreak comes distress. Your past is on my mind nonstop. I find myself asking the same question over and over again: Who is She to You??? Each day, my distress grows a little more, while i struggle to maintain my smile....to ignore it. I realize that i can not erase the past, and i never will attempt to. But i cant help feeling like your past should have some level of respect for your future. I shouldnt have to feel uneasy every time youre not with me. I should be able to trust you freely and whole heartily.

...But your past is causing me to slip into my old ways. Its giving me reason to reconnect with all of the tendencies and emotions that i thought i had left behind. Your past is pushing me further into mine.

You have a decision to make.

Back Then They Didnt Want Me...

Why is it that people dont appreciate what they have until its gone? Yea it may sound a little cliche, but really think about it. Im sure all of us can come up with at least one instance where we wanted something simply because of the 'if i cant have you, no one can!' take on life.

Ive undergone alot of personal growth throughout the past year [which you have all witnessed]. Im so much more comfortable with who i am as a person. I carry myself differently. I smile more. I appreciate everyday that God gives me. And i think it really shows.

Over the last few months, almost every man that Ive ever been involved with in my past has come figuratively, knocking at my door...ironically around the same time that I began to fall for someone new.

"youre the one that got away"

"my biggest regret is letting you get away"

"ive always loved you."

womp mutha effin womp....believe me, ive heard it all before.

At first, i was flattered. All of the attention that i was suddenly getting made me feel special. I mean, what girl doesnt dream of a man who hurt her saying 'baby, i was an idiot...you were the best thing that ever happened to me!' But then i started thinking...why now?

What was it that suddenly knocked some sense through his thick skull? Was it that he truly realized that he had a deep love for me? Was it that his new relationship just wasnt working out? Or was it that he simply saw how happy i was--with someone else?

Regardless of his reasoning...ladies, remember that people are in your past for a reason. At one point, he didnt live up to your expectations, he hurt you, and/or he didnt appreciate the love that you gave him. Im not saying that all break ups are permanent. It is possible for two people who were in love at one point, to fall in love again.

But that doesnt mean you should make it easy for him. Protect your heart. Tell him that in order for you to even think about letting him back into your life, hes really going to have to show you that hes changed. Dont feel like you have to be intimate with him...ultimately you are in control. You control how hes going to treat you. You control whether hes going to have to the power to break your heart again. Make him work for your forgiveness.

Dont drop the new man in your life for a past love. Your new man has been there for you...hes helped pick up the pieces that your old man left behind. Hes enabled you to love again. Dont forget all that hes done for you! And dont give up your new life for someone who didnt appreciate your old one. No matter what sweet nothings hes whispering into your ear now, remember all the bullshit he was spittin back in the day. All of the lies, all of the broken promises.

Keep all of this in mind when your past comes knocking at your door.

"Back then they didnt want me...now Im hot, they all on me."

Whats in a Friend?

Earlier this week my best friend Sorbourni and I had a discussion about what a real friend is. The answer may seem obvious...but how many of us (even at age 20) have truly grasped the true meaning of friendship?

When asking a child, one may receive some simple answers. "a friend is someone who gives me their cookies." "someone who shares their toys with me." "someone who can make me laugh."

At what age did friendship become so complicated?

All relationships, be it parent-child, boyfriend-girlfriend, friend-friend, etc., go through problems. There will be moments where you cant stand one another....you may even hate one another. There is nothing wrong with this. Dont be ashamed of yourself if you need to leave the room in the middle of an argument--just so you dont say something youll regret. Dont be afraid to blog or vent your anger out--just so you avoid an unnecessary altercation.

Learn which battles are worth fighting. Two people with strong personalities and ideals are NOT going to agree on everything. But sometimes its better to just agree to disagree. Not everything should be turned into a huge issue...its just not worth the stress.

I personally get annoyed VERY easily. Most of the time i realize that im overreacting..but im human, and that doesnt stop me from being mad. I write, i blog, i sit in my room and think. Ive learned how to channel my anger so that I can avoid hurting peoples feeling.

Come at your friends with respect. If you have a problem...address it in a way that you would want someone to come at you. You must realize that yelling and screaming will get you no where. Status wars will get you no where. Simply determining to end the friendship will get you no where. Come on now at this age, we are all mature enough to let go and let live.

Real friends can go months without talking. They can fight and make up, all in the matter of 24 hours. If all it takes is a little incident to ruin your relationship with someone...you probably had no business being together in the first place.

Sorbourni and I have been friends since 7th grade. Oh, there are times i cant stand her...just like i know there are times she just wants to wring my neck lol. But i love her. I love her enough to accept her flaws and to forgive her when shes wrong. No matter what problems we may encounter throughout our lives, i know she will be there for me no matter what. THAT is what true friendship is.

"....How deep is our bond, if thats all it takes for you to be gone??"

The Old Me is Dead and Gone.

OK so i just need to vent. I hate hate HATEEEEEEEEEEEE when people try to come at me the wrong way via text,facebook,twitter, etc. Do NOT argue with me about my opinion. you dont like what im sayin?? lose my number, unfriend me, and dont fuckin follow me!

my mom always told me that one day i would grow outta my sweetheart stage. i would man up and stop letting ppl take advantage of me. i would stop letting people intimidate me and talk to me whichever way they felt like it.

I HATE THAT SHIT.

good girl is gone ppl. you will NOT come out of your face to me. dont fuckin raise your voice when you talk to me. i only have TWO parents and both of them reside on Long Island.

lol people are in for a rude awakening.

Perfect Size 3 ♥

Sometimes all it takes is one comment to change your entire outlook on life.

Ive been battling with my weight for months now. NO im not sick or anything...i dont have any disorders...ive been trying to gain weight.

I never thought anything was wrong with the way I looked. My whole life ive always been really active, ive always eaten a TON, and ive always been thin. No problems whatsoever...until this year.

Between October and December of my sophomore year at Hampton i lost 10 lbs. It sounds crazy, but i honestly didnt even notice until someone pointed out that my jeans were baggy. What?? Ive ALWAYS been the perfect size 3!! I had no clue what was going on with me. I mean, I was eating the same I always had...wtf? Sure I was going through alot, but could stress honestly make me lose 10 lbs in 3 months? It may not even sound like that much, but when youre little to begin with 10 lbs is like a death sentence! The more people commented, the more self conscious i got about my weight.

I hate hate hateeee! when people call me skinny...you might think its funny, but that shit really hurts my feelings. It got to the point where I couldnt even find clothes to fit me...what do u do when a size small is too big? There were even a few times when people made comments and i actually went in the bathroom and cried. Its really mean to make fun of people for things that they cant help, especially when they ask you to stop.

When I came home for Christmas break, my mom made me go to the doctor. You have no idea how bad that made me feel. People were lowkey blaming me for something i had NO control over. I love food too damn much to starve myself lol, believe that. Even after all that i still had to go back to Hampton, hearing about how fucking skinny i was. UGHHH.

Months fly by and all I do is EAT EAT EAT 24/7. I was so damn determined to gain back those 10 lbs...plus 5 just so i never had to hear anyones mouth again. And guess what people..ive finally achieved my original goal of 10!

During this time, i only really talked to a few people about how much the word skinny actually bothered me. I would point out ppl in the student center and say "Hey...i dont look like that girl right?? Im not as thin as her??" Lol, they may have thought I was joking, but i was dead ass trying to figure out just how gross i looked to the outside world.

Last night i was talking to one of my good guy friends about how i really want to get thick..just so im not skinny. and he says the simplest thing..."Jazmyn, youre the perfect size." Thats it. He made me realize that all this time Ive been worrying about how I look to everyone else, and its been destroying me! I think its finally safe to say that Im done with my eat everything diet, and im finally content with how I am.

This is how God made me. And Im beautiful. Be careful of what you say to people because you never know whats going on inside of them. Just because you may think something is a compliment, doesnt mean that it is. I dont think anyone would want me to go up to them and say "OMG...youre mad fat!" Its hurtful.

All it took was that one little comment to snap me back to reality. You never know which little comment you make will have the adverse affect, and make someone fall over the edge.

** dont let anyone tell you how to be you!!

Lost && Confused.

UGHHH sometimes its so hard to follow my own advice! Im trying really hard not to re-nig on all of the promises that ive made myself.

What do you do when you dont know what to believe?? When your heart tells you one thing...but your mind tells you something completely different. I have a situation America (idk why Ive randomly been talking like Bernie Mac lately lmao).

I really really really want (and desperately need) to talk to him about something. The thing is...i really trust him, honestly i do. And Ive asked him about this particular situation before. Its still on my mind, lurking there ( driving me crAaAaaZZzy!!).

Will bringing it up again be a sign that maybe i dont trust him as much as i told him i do? I dont want him to think im nagging him...or that im becoming one of those private eye girl-nots (definition of girl or boy- not: an individual who is basically your girl or boyfriend, without the title; the main or only individual you talk to). UGHHHH what should I do??!

There is no doubt in my mind that hes mine. I mean, get all of his time..if were not together, were texting...if were not texting, were on the phone..etc. If i know all of this why cant i just go on with my life?? I just really need to get this off of my chest.

soo effin frustrating :-(

Kind of Like Superwoman.

When you love someone, you give them complete power to destroy your world. Isnt that a scary thought? You have no idea how bad things can get, how absolutley horrible you are able to feel until youve had your heart broken.

Have you ever read the Twilight series (by Stephenie Meyer)? I read the series last summer. And now Im reading it again and I see Bella in a whole new light. I understand her catatonic state. I know what its like to feel like you have no one...like you just cant go on. After all of that i realize i can relate to Bella.

"...Before you...my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason...And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldnt see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
- New Moon (Book 2)

Ive learned so much from my heartache. Never ever should you feel that you arent complete without a man. It is so important to be comfortable being alone..comfortable loving yourself. Love has so many risks, but i want all of you to be strong enough to withstand them. I dont want anyone to experience what me (or Bella) went through.

Is it weird that I feel like God gave me that situation for a reason? So that I can share it with others..and maybe prevent other women from falling victim to weakness. To shield others from self consciousness..from neediness. I honestly believe that I can make a difference in so many lives.

Is that weird?

LessThan3

Hey my loves! I know ive been gone for a while....but im back with a vengeance!

Ive been feeling so lovey dovey lately..its kind of gross lol. I LOVE the feeling though. There is no better feeling than when you put your guard down and simply allow yourself to fall...trust me. I love that my friends are experiencing the same things that I am...and im happy for them.

Its not easy, but you can do it! Weve all felt hopeless before. Unlovable. Unattractive. Un-everything. But sweetheart, if you dont learn to love yourself first how can you possibly expect him to love you? Everyone should take this summer and make it productive as hell. Work on your self-confidence..become comfortable being alone..try to understand who you are. The summer of self exploration.

Learn to ask God not for what you want, but for the strength to make it through each day. One at a time, step by step.Dont focus on your flaws (everyone has them!)and what other people think of them, instead focus on how you can improve on yourself for your own happiness. I guarantee you will wake up each morning with a whole new outlook on life. Become strong. You'll feel different but you'll also look different. People will begin noticing that brand new glow that youre giving off.

Once you fall in love with yourself you'll be able to truly open your heart up to another. A man loves a woman with confidence, and your new found aura may just set his world on fire!!

Lets start a movement ladies...its called the LessThan3 (<3) movement. Lets all fall in love...with ourselves!!

My Beautiful Surprise.

And so..

I think Im finally strong enough to let it all go...completely. Being with you has made me realize that i deserve to be happy. I deserve to love freely. I deserve to trust. I know that nothing or no one is perfect, but Im living for this moment. Im 100% dedicated to making this work. There is no past him...there is only you, my Beautiful Surprise.

Any problem that we may encounter, Im ready. Im not anticipating the wrong. Im no longer waiting for us to fail.

We have so much to learn from one another, and Im excited. I want you to know everything. Every thought, every insecurity, every aspiration. I want you to know me. I dont want to hide who I am when Im with you. I want this to be pure. Untarnished, Untouchable, Everlasting.

I never want to come down from this high.


"It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today
You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise"

Sometimes..

sometimes times you just have to cry.

What Do You Do?

What do you do, when you dont know what to do?

Im so afraid. Im afraid of the goosebumps that i get when you touch me. Of the butterflies that magically appear when you pull me closer. Of the way i can get lost in your arms....

I am afraid of you.

Each day i feel myself falling for you a little bit more. I find myself kissing you a little bit longer, hugging you a little bit tighter...subconsciously trying to become one with you...and i love it.

But still im afraid.

What if i fall, but you remain standing?

I mean...i promised myself that i would never ever let another man do to me what he did. Never again will i let anyone hurt me like he did. And you promised me that you wouldnt.

But im afraid of the unknown.

Is this thing, this me&you, this us going to work? You knocked down the wall around my heart, and im trying SO hard, to let you love me...to let you care for me. Im trying SO hard to reciprocate that. But my past continues to haunt me. It lurks in the corners of my mind waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for you not to call, to forget all about me. Waiting for me to be alone again.

What do you do, when you dont know what to do? When you find yourself running from both your past AND your future? What do you do when youre trapped in the now, at a standstill...when life is seemingly passing you by?

Lets Talk About Sex Baby.

Soo today I had a conversation about the differences between fucking, sexing, and making love. Now to me, they are three absolutley and totally different things. But, does everyone see it the same way? I feel like its important to talk about this with your significant other...you dont want to be caught up making love to a man who in the end, is only fucking you.

Heres my insight:

Fucking- Fucking is raw and unemotional. To me its something you do for fun, in the heat of the moment, or in random ass places (movie theaters, parks, etc.). If youre sexually active, chances are youve fucked before. You can be emotionally attached to someone and still fuck occasionally...but if you are emotionally involved, every encounter should not be an all out fuck fest.

Sexing- Sexing is when significant emotions are involved. You care about each other and you take the time out show it. You kiss, you caress...its special. I personally feel that sex is and should always be a special thing. Youre giving someone a piece of yourself, something that you can never ever get back. Sexing is all about sharing yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally with another person. Youre opening up yourself and inviting him to become acquainted with your entire being.

Making Love- Making love to someone is absolutley amazing. Its when youre so in love with him that you want to become one. It feels like no matter how close your bodies get, it just doesnt seem close enough. You want your souls to touch. That sounds crazy, but when you come across that moment you will know EXACTLY what I mean.


Sometimes I feel like in this day and age, I am one of the few people who view sex in such a way. I see soo many girls giving themselves away just for the hell of it, and to tell you the truth, it kind of bothers me. Just because you talk to someone doesnt mean you have to give in to him ladies. Dont be afraid to say no. I mean, if he's right for you he will wait...and when it finally does happen, it will be so much better.

***Remember that you are a Queen and that you deserve the best. Be strong, dont let anyone force you into anything that you dont want, or are just not ready for.

Another thing, just because you and your man are sexually involved with one another doesnt mean that EVERYTIME you are together you have to have sex. Take some time to just chill and enjoy each others company. Falling for someone can be a beautiful thing ladies. But dont you want him to fall in love with the mental and the physical? Dont fall into the sex trap...you know, when you start out feeling each other, you start fucking like rabbits, and all of a sudden the feeling is gone.

What do you guys think?

They Say All She Needs is Something Real.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sooo i got this from my friend ashley michelle...renewedlove.blogspot.com...and its oddly accurate. Creepy.

www.goldenuniverse.com

**You are tired of the various 'ups' and 'downs' of life at this time. If only you could win a lottery - or better still, be the heir to a large inheritance which would allow you to afford a life of absolute luxury. This day dreaming will shortly pass and whether you like it or not, sooner or later you will have to face reality.

You are very orderly, methodical and self sufficient. You demand and need the respect, recognition and understanding of all those who enter into your sphere on influence.

You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

No Need for me to Ever Sweat the Next Bitch.

Trust can make or break ANY relationship.

Honestly, I feel like you should never have to worry about your man, where hes at, or who hes with. If he's sincere, you should know that he's not going anywhere && that at the end of the night hes coming home with you.

I used to trip...but Ive realized that insecurity breeds unhappiness. I mean come on ladies...if he's doing his job, your man should make you feel like youre the most gorgeous woman on this planet. If you have to question whether or not hes for real...you dont need to be with him.

People will always talk ( especially at Hampton!!! ) but dont let the rumors get to you. Communication is essential if you want your relationship to survive. Talk to your hunny && let him know how you feel...it helps, and you will feel a BILION times better afterwards---i promise!

Like i stated in my previous post, the majority of females that you encounter want you to fail. REMEMBER this ladies. Dont sweat these hoes.

***And on the plus side...your man will love you for this. No dude wants a girl who is constantly on him. Textin, callin, checkin up. Think about it...would you want to be with someone if trust was always an issue?? Be cool...you should already know what it is. And if you do, chances are he already knows where its at.




"..Never stress the kid when he's surrounded by hoes.."

Pursuit of Happyness

Growing up, Ive realized one thing about women. No matter how different we may seem, we are all in search of the same things--love, acceptance, and absolute happiness.

If these things are a common thread in all of our lives, why is it then, that we are willing to destroy one another in order to better ourselves?? We cant stand to see each other happy. And no matter how much you deny it im sure all of you have looked at another woman and thought::

* That man loves the hell out of her...why cant I have that?
* OMG...shes not even that cute!
*etc, etc, etc.

We blame the fact that we are unable to fill our own emotional voids on others. Because we cant seem to find love, we dont want her to either. We talk behind each others backs, we give stank looks, we internalize evil thoughts. Ladies we are destroying ourselves.

Im no where near perfect, but I am learning how to be happy for others. Women are beautiful;; we are all unique in our own ways. Accept our differences and remember that that darling is what makes you special. Know that one day a man will fall in love with you, not for what she has, but for the beauty that YOU alone possess.

So lets stop dwelling on what we dont have. Next time you see a woman that is genuinely happy. Be happy for her. Although she may have reached Euphoria a little before you, remember that your time will come, and that the negativity will only hold you back.

After all, we are all on the Pursuit of Happyness.

Hey Ladies.

Soo last night i had an interesting conversation with one of my guy friends. He told me that every man wants a good girl..and they know when they have one.

Now, this may seem like common sense, but alot of us females lose sight of this when were caught in the moment. Ladies, he knows what he has at home. If youre true to him, he will acknowledge it. Do not Do not Do not, punish yourself for his mistakes.

If he doesnt call you...its NOT your fault. Dont spend all night stressing it [we've all done this]. Dont lose sleep wondering what it is you did wrong [guilty as charged].

Because in all honesty..niggas are niggas..and there is nothing you can do to change that. My guy friend informed me that boys just cant help themselves sometimes, they know that the things that they do are wrong, but they dont know how to stop doing them. They know that they are hurting you...but they dont know how to make it better.

"...I love my girl to death, but im just bad. Shes so good, the perfect girlfriend...i dont know why i do this to her..."

what?

A good woman will never put her relationship in jeopardy. I personally, wont even entertain other niggas when i have my number one. In our minds, nothing can compare to him...we dont need anything else. All of our love, time, devotion is just for him. Point blank.

A man however [yes there are some exceptions to the rule] thinks with his other head if you know what i mean. He has everything he could ever want and/or need in wifey..yet like wayne said, he wants to fuck every girl in the world! He knows he has his good girl at home, and he knows she'll be there waiting when he gets back.

He also dropped me a little secret. ** Ladies do not try to make your man jealous. If you know you are a good girl, chances are he does too. Dont try to make it seem like you are doing things that youre not, just to get back at him. He WILL use this against you. When you finally decide to call him out on his shit, you want to make sure that you remain the victim in the situation. He'll really feel sorry if he knows that while he was out clubbin doing God knows what, you spent a quiet night in with the girls, waiting for his call. **

My daddy always told me that you can never rush a man. And I think that I just realized what he meant. You have to trust that your man will be true to you. Dont nag him, dont yell..that will only push him farther away. If you do what youre supposed to do, eventually he will too if he really cares about you. If he doesnt, fuck it...you dont need him in your life anyway. Women always think they can change a man. Change doesnt happen over night though hunny. You can NOT make a man love you and you can NOT make him do right by you if he isnt ready.

"...once a good girls gone bad, shes gone forever..."

My Past Keeps Attacking My Future.

Hmm...was it really that serious? Or am I overreacting?

I feel like Im punishing you for his mistakes. Im determined not to relive my past. To never ever hit rock bottom again...

...But, I dont want to mess up a good thing. I over analyze every little detail of our relationship just to make sure that history isnt repeating itself. I have to protect my heart.

Will I ever be able to escape this prison? To truly love and trust again?

:-(
:-(
:-(

"..if that boy dont love you by now..."

TGIF

Fuck it...its FRIDAYYYYY!

Honestly, on fridays nothing could go wrong with me. I just dont care...am I the only one? Its a really bad outlook to have lol*

Fuck the drama, ill worry about it sunday night. And to keep it real..i might not care then.

SUMMER TiME WHERE ARE YOUUUUU?!?!?!

Is it Possible?

"Question--
Can a smile lead to a hello
And a hello lead to a first date and
a first date to a can't wait to do it again
Ain't no pressure
Can just let love develop
Get to know one another
From a sister
To a brother...

I'm just wondering
If we start as friends
I'm just wondering
If you have a man
I'm just wondering
If I could be around, permanent
How can I get down?

I'm just wondering
What do you see
When you look at me
In your beliefs, Do dreams come true?
Because I dream of you, of holding you
I'm wondering...

Is it possible
For you to see
That maybe you and I could be
Is it possible
For you to see
That maybe you said I could be
Say it's possible
For you to see that maybe you and I could be
Is it possible
To be logical
For you to see that we could be


Patience, I was born with plenty
So if and when you're ready
Have some faith boy
And we can step out on faith
Cuz baby I'm not your everyday, average woman
Spittin everyday, average lust
Or rehearse boy. I speak the truth at all times
So if you're wonderin, (if) This is too far feteched
If you're wonderin, this is no conquest
To love you, then leave you there,
so I'm wondering, wondering..."


-Raheem DeVaughn

Give me More.

Why is is that us females always want more??

You go through hell, and then finally you find someone who sees you for you. Hes perfect. He makes you smile, he's genuine, he's real. But still you question his motives. You remember that perfection wasnt so perfect before...that your fairy tale didnt end quite so happy. Have you ever found that your shitty ass past is damaging what could be a bright future?

You stare into his eyes and pray that maybe he'll be different. That maybe, just maybe, he wont break your heart like he did. You feel yourself falling for him but you wont let it happen. Its not that you dont want to...you just cant.

You caress his face waiting for him to disappear at any moment. Waiting to wake up from this beautiful nightmare. You vow to take each day one at a time, preparing yourself mentally for the one when he realizes that you arent the one for him.

When will we learn to see him for what he is--a chance a happiness...a chance at love. No man is perfect, but that doesnt mean he cant be perfect for you.

I Knew You When.

What do you do when someone you know, becomes someone you knew ?

I knew you once. And you were the epitome of beauty. Inside and out, I admired you. Deep inside i prayed that maybe, just maybe, your beauty would rub off on me. It was you I could trust to always tell the truth...to always be REAL. No matter what, your beauty remained.

That was when I knew you.

Now I see you in passing. And I mourn your death. I cry and cry. Because no one will ever get to know, the person that i knew. What caused you to changed so suddenly? What caused you to become the person that you fought so hard to avoid?

Did you even realize? Did anyone realize? Was I the sole witness to your self destruction?

Your beauty faded to gray. And now I remain alone...mourning the death of the person I once knew.

Silly Nigga, Trix are for Kids.

Okay soo some recent events have got me wondering... is it possible for men and women to simply be friends, no strings attached??

When the hell will niggas grow up?! Not every chick is on your dick. Not every girl has a hidden motive...and i can assure you darling---not every female wants and/or is attracted to you.

Why cant I chill with a group of dudes, all of whom I am cool with, without games being played. Once again, do I have
stupid bitch tatted on my forehead?? What hurts the most is the blatant disrespect. Im supposed to be your girl....youre supposed to fuck with me. Why the hell would you even ATTEMPT to treat me like some hoe off the street??

Do niggas really think that highly of themselves nowadays?? LMAO.

LMAO.
LMAO.
LMAO.

Dont do it please. Honestly...I wasnt tryin to block. Believe me, I have some bad ass friends. You want a bad bitch?? Ill hook you up with a bad bitch!

"No need to be greedy, I got mad friends thats pretty..."

But Im not gonna hook my girl up with a silly nigga...sorry...i refuse. I feel like what should have been a chill situation just got escalated to the max.

Was the drama really worth a friendship?


****if you are reading this..dont get offended by anything ive written here. i didnt use any names so no nigga, im not tryna call you out. no hard feelings my dude, ive blogged them all out. just statin the facts hun.

THE LAST SEMESTER VOL 1

http://www.facebook.com/wall.php?id=726261834&banter_id=1350450135&show_all#/video/video.php?v=1059001440629

"Sam "Sincere" Walker is more than your average rapper. From Va Beach and repping the 7 cities, Sincere brings strong lyrical song concepts, and, being a model, the marketable image that the industry loves. In todays market Sam is a hybrid that appeals to all musical audiences and on the mixtape, THE LAST SEMESTER Vol 1, Sincere shows his lyrical skills as well as his ability make radio friendly hits. You will be able to find the mixtape via link that will be distributed here, among other places. Keep your ears and eyes open, or you'll miss the future of the music industry, Sincere."

This is the first leak of THE LAST SEMESTER Vol 1. Check it out.....shit is fresh. I love it and I know you will too!!

** for you Hampton heads...i know you can relate. Were always Fresh On Campus at the real hu!

Finding My Natural Beauty.

WEIRD. im actually becoming comfortable with some aspects of this new me. Maybe it is possible to embrace both the old and the new.

Im honestly happy with my life right now. Of course I could be puttin in a little more work in the academic area, but other than that life is BEAUTIFUL.

fuck the drama, fuck the bullshit, fuck it all.

I am ME.

Im finally opening up to the people that I care about. My girls and I are closer than ever. And Im learning to trust, and love---all over again.

Finally im letting go of the past. Forgiving the people who have done me wrong. And apologizing to everyone that I shut out.

Like i stated previously, Im taking each day, one at a time. Living in the moment...and in a sense, stopping to smell the roses. Im hoping for the best;; and preparing for the worst.

I deserve to smile.

Flaws and all. I am beautiful. Inside and out...and never again will I let someone tell me different.

Yupp...I deserve to smile.

"...Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on...that's when youre the prettiest."

Lock { } Down.

"If i had a dollar for all of the times I thought I found the right one I'd be a billionaire then I could probably ride out and go and buy the right one I wouldn't mind a dude that could take my attitude, and take the time to listen Someone that understands when I need a little space and when I need attention"

So many times i find myself in like lust love. Why the hell am I so in love with being in love?! Its just so beautiful to me. A mutual feeling between two individuals. A feeling strong enough to calm me when Im upset, and encourage me when Im content. Im no where near perfect....but I have so much to offer! I love harder than most, and when its real Im soooo willing to go the extra mile for { }. Ive been tricked by these feelings before. The lines between like lust love become blurred && once again i become that stupid little girl. I want someone who loves me no matter what. Through the tears, the struggles, the pain. I need a man who will go that extra mile for me. Someone to hold me down.


"...I've been around the world a couple times and i swear it never ceases to amaze me how many different guys use the same tired lines trying to amaze me it doesn't take a lot to put a smile on my face i'm not high maintenance you just have to be honest from the top and your heart has to be dedicated..."

When will { } guys realize that 99.9% of females...recognize { } game! Im so sick of hearing the same bullshit from different dudes. Just be real with me baby, I guarantee that it will take { } so much further. Are there any real men out there?? The simplest things make me happy. A "Goodmorning" text...a "just because" kiss... am I asking for too much?


"... Like an anchor in the water I have my priorities in order That made you be the only one love in my life I would vow to never leave ya rub your back boy do anything to please ya all you gotta do is come around and I'm a lock you down..."

I have so much going for me. Im not fucking every nigga I see. I know where I want to go in life and how Im going to get there. I dont think Im half bad looking. Im smart, funny, talented. I have so much love to give. Believe me...{ } will never fall short with me hunny. Ill be { } down ass chick. Wife potential to the MAX.....

The only thing missing in my Love Story is {you}.

And Now I Take Life as it Comes.

Isnt it funny how one moment your life is in shambles...completely falling apart; and the next, everything is perfect. Absolutely and insanely perfect.

Ive been thinking...maybe the bad times are meant to teach us how to appreciate the good times. After all, constant perfection is boring. Right now, I am working on taking my life one day at a time. Im learning to enjoy the little things in life. The smiles, kisses, hugs, laughter. All of these things make my time here worth while. Maybe this new strategy will help me make it when times get hard.

I will be able to look back on all of the things that make life enjoyable, and I will realize that tomorrow is another day. Maybe I'll learn to let the past be the past...and to forgive those who have hurt me.

Maybe, just maybe, this is my chance.

"...that's just reality, no it cant always be, kisses, hugs, and beautiful words..."

Losing Myself

Why is it that even when we try to better ourselves, theres always someone waiting to see us fail? Its taken me so long, too long, to finally become happy with myself again....to finally love myself again. Ive been hurt in more ways than anyone could ever fathom. And honestly, I dont think I'll ever tell anyone my entire story. Is it possible for someone to listen, without judging me? Believe me, I know Ive done some stupid things. But isnt that my right as an American?! LOL.

So many people think they know me. *NEWSFLASH* they dont. People had absolutely no clue what was going on in my life last semester. They told me that I was broken, and gradually, I believed them. I tried to be invisible. Class, home, sleep...Class, home, sleep...Class, home, sleep. My friends didnt understand. My family didnt understand. Most of the time I didnt understand myself.

Looking back now, I realize that my recent heartbreak had little to do with my brokeness. Through all of the tears and lonely nights, what I was really longing for was compassion. I needed someone to talk to, someone who would listen, but not judge. I didnt realize how cruel people could be until i came to Hampton University. Never before had I been around so many people who wanted to hurt me intentionally--who were waiting for me to collapse. I was always told that you should treat people how you would like to be treated. I always believed that people were genuinely good at heart.

The things that I learned and witnessed in the past year will stay with me forever. Never again will I assume that someone cares for me the way that I care for them. Never again will I put all of my trust into an individual.

Its sad really. I was that girl my entire life. It was who I was. Loving, trusting, giving. People always valued these qualities in me. Most people grow emotionally as they get older. I think Ive shrunk. Ive lost myself.

I used to be the sweetest girl.