Lessons From Deanna.

A little over a month ago, I lost a friend very dear to me. This post isn't going to focus on the pain I felt [and still feel] as a result of her death, but instead it will focus on the lessons she taught me.

Deanna lived unapologetically.

She was herself [her goofy, loving, God-fearing self] 100% of the time. She always managed to make me smile. Even though the last time we saw each other was the first time in about seven years, it seemed like no time had passed at all.

" I want to hear about everything that's happened in your life since 2007...go!"

...And we sat there...at a table in Chevy's spilling our hearts out to one another over Mexican food and margaritas. We talked about failed relationships, and how happy we were with our current ones; we talked about how much we both hated running, but did it anyway because we wanted to look good well into our 70s. I knew then that God had placed us in each others lives for a reason. That we were soul sisters. And that I would love that girl forever.

Deanna encouraged me in my journey to form a stronger relationship with God. She posted Bible verses regularly. She prayed for me. She never judged.

Her funeral was standing room only.

I was amazed at how many people truly loved and cherished their time with her. Someone even remarked, "Deanna had a billion best friends!" And she did. She had a special way of making every single person that she came into contact with feel as if they meant the world to her. Im pretty sure she had the biggest heart in the universe.

Deanna and I didn't have many mutual friends. But when I met her inner circle for the first time [at a 4th of July bbq at her apartment] a few short days before her passing, they embraced me. It felt as if we'd known each other forever. And I thought to myself...wow...an entire group of people just like Deanna!

I know we all hear the phrase, "You are who you surround yourself with," but I'd never actually witnessed it until this moment. Deanna taught me to keep my circle strong. To form relationships with people who will inspire me. People who will pray with and for me. People who will drive 2-3 hours just to see me and attend a small bbq. People who will make me want to be a better me. People I can both teach, and learn from.

She taught me that it's okay to have a billion friends. Of course quality> quantity, but because of her, I will not place limits on my love or friendship. There's more than enough room in my life for quality friends. Adversely, there is absolutely no room in my life for not-so-great friends. There are way too many people in this world for me to settle for crappy friends.

Deanna taught me that it's okay to share whats on your heart. You never know how your testimony will affect someone else. Share your joy, your heartaches, your accomplishments, your struggles...share your love.

Deanna taught me to go big or go home. Our days here on the Earth are numbered. What legacy will you leave behind? Will you have accomplished all of the things that you wanted you? If any of you are like me, you have a habit of saying, "...I'll start tomorrow." This way of thinking is so toxic. If you can start now, do it! Don't let fear drive you. Chase your dreams with all of your heart and soul...today.

Finally, Deanna taught me the true meaning of, "people are placed in your life for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime." I met a girl on twitter probably a year or so ago. We bonded over our blogs and quickly connected. Maybe I knew that she was Deanna's friend at that time, but it was a fleeting thought...the origin of our connection was completely lost to me. When Deanna passed, I saw it on twitter. A tweet sent by my blog-sister-friend. She sent me her number immediately and became an instant source of comfort.

She held my hand at the burial. Her on one side, my boyfriend on the other. Im forever grateful for her support. Her guidance. Her love.

In the midst of losing one sister, God sent me another.

Looking back, God [with the help of Deanna] placed us in one another's lives for a reason. He did so over a year ago, with this exact moment in mind. The entire time, he ordered our steps and allowed us to find one another. He knew I would need her soon, and vice versa.

Thank you so much, Deanna. I know you didn't realize that you were doing all of this for me at the time, but I am forever grateful. I carry you in my heart, my hopes, my dreams...always and forever. I love you my Twinny.

Evolution.

I turned 25 on Sunday.

...and honestly...it was the best birthday ever. I just finished my first year of grad school (and I'm pretty sure I got straight A's). My boyfriend and closest friends threw me the sweetest surprise party (complete with Patron cupcakes). I got a fitbit (currently obsessed). Overall life is pretty awesome right now. 25 is going to be a great year.

But as I enter a new chapter in my life, a new quarter century, I can't help but reflect on the last. There's one thing that stands out to me as being completely different at 25 than it was at 24. My inner circle.

After college, I tried desperately to maintain friendships that were near and dear to my heart. I'd text, call, send smoke signals, whatever. Anything to save the friendship from dying. It took me a long time to realize that I was fighting to save relationships with people who weren't willing to do the same for me.

At first...this hurt. A lot.

Then I realized that people change. We outgrow one another. We find ourselves, and lose others along the way. We grow up.

This year I noticed these changes in the ways people wished me a happy birthday. Some people who used to call, simply wrote me on Facebook. Friends who used to celebrate with me, ignored my brunch invite. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I'm not hurt anymore.

I realize that more than likely this isn't personal. Although I'm sad to say goodbye to friendships that at one point meant the world to me...Im excited to make new friends. To grow closer to the ones who are still around. To experience everything this new 25+ life has to offer. Im ready to keep growing into the woman that I'm meant to be.

I'm choosing to live in the now. To enjoy every single moment that I'm blessed with, with the people who currently love me the most. I will forever be grateful for the things these past friends have taught me. And I'll probably always consider them friends. Who knows? Our paths may indeed cross again one day. If you can grow apart, you can surely grow together...right?

10 Months.

My life from September to Now:

-I'm still with my wonderful boyfriend. [and yes...he's still wonderful]

-Having a long distance relationship has been challenging...but I am happy to announce that it won't be long distance for much longer!

-I've become somewhat of a human rights activist.

-I've gone on a completely different path career wise...and I couldn't be happier about my decision.

-I've become very health conscious.

-As of August I will be moving to Baltimore, Maryland.

-I will be going to grad school to study Public Health. My concentration is Community and Population Health.

-I still work two jobs.

-I've vowed to never work retail again after I move.

-This year I've traveled to Puerto Rico and Miami.

-I've become very open with my opinions. No more Mrs. Shy Girl ;-)

-My hair has been natural for over 2 years now. And it is thriving.


And yea...10 months in a nutshell. Ill be elaborating on these posts little by little. Wonder which one I should tackle first. Hmmmmm....

How to Love.

Today is my parents 24th wedding anniversary (it is also my daddys 48th birthday!). I am forever grateful for them. They are the perfect example of what true love and compromise are. They taught me what it is to love.

This is an interview i did with them as part of a black marital relations class i took last semester (by far my favorite class EVER). Its a little long but i found some of their answers really interesting. I hope to learn from their trials and tribulations and who knows....maybe one of you will too!

**although this was a black marital relations class i think a lot of this wisdom is relevant to ALL people. I've bolded the things that I think you'd guys would care about most. enjoy!

M=mother F=father I=interviewer

I: Ok, so this is my interview for Black Marital Relations class. These are my parents, Dallas and Robin. I’m going to ask you guys a few questions…how long have you been married?

F: 23 ½ years.

I: How did you become a couple, and also what attracted you guys to each other?

F: Um…I was in typing senior year and I had some work I had to make up.

M: How do you make up typing??

F: Well…anyway (laughs) I had some work to make up and she was in the class. I asked my friend if he could try to get her number for me.

M: Instead of typing the entire class, he stood and stared at me the entire 45 minutes.

F: She acted like she didn’t see me looking at her…but I know she did!

[laughter]

M: So that’s how it all began. Right before spring break of our senior year.

I: At Hampton University…well at Hampton Institute.

M: In Phenix hall.

I: So what attracted you to him?

M: I think his eyes…I liked his droopy eyes.

I: What attracted you to her?

F: She was fine man…beautiful young lady.

[laughter]

I: So what would you identify as strengths of your marriage?

M: Communication.

F: Yea, communication. You gotta say what’s on your mind, even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it you have to say it.

I: What can you identify as some special strengths that African Americans might bring into their marital relationships?

F: Um, I don’t know if it’s an African American thing, I think it’s with any relationship that its important that you understand how each other feel about big picture things like family. If one person comes from a really close family and the other one doesn’t… if there’s not an understanding of those things before you decide to become a couple it can become an issue. If you want to have kids…what you think about kids…

M: What holidays you celebrate…all of that makes a big difference in your marriage.

I: What are some special challenges or problems that you have experienced in your marriage?

M: I think pretty much when you stand before God and say those vows, we’ve pretty much gone through every aspect of those vows in our marriage. For richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…you know all of those things are more than just words.

F: Yea and your challenges are different as you grow older. You’ve experienced different things, you are going through different things, different things bring you joy, different things are distractions depending on how old you are. So as you get older the distractions become fewer, issues become fewer…

I: Yea because you guys were married young.

F: Yes!

I: 23.

M: Very young.

F: EXTREMELY young.

[laughter]

I: Fresh out of college.

M: Pretty much…

F: Just about.

I: What can you identify as some unique challenges or problems…wait, I just asked you that didn’t I? Ok, next question. In what area do you feel that you have had to make the greatest compromise due to your marriage?

F: Wow…compromise? I don’t feel like I really had to compromise very much. I mean because you know the thing is, like I said as you get older the things you like to do change. I think when I was younger I don’t think I had to compromise, I think that was one of the things like…I liked to go out a lot, Robin didn’t like to go out as much soooo…I didn’t go out as much as I probably would have if I was single [laughs]…but she didn’t like say “ You cant go out.” That kind of thing, so I mean I don’t really feel like I had to sacrifice that much. And whatever I had to sacrifice was worth it.

[laughter]

M: Yea I don’t think I’ll elaborate on that one… [laughs]

I: I thought I asked you guys this question, but I didn’t. What can you identify as some unique challenges or problems that African American couples in general might experience?

F: Well I mean, you know we live in a society where you as an African American have many more opportunities then say your parents or grandparents did. But the things that are underlying in American society that impact African Americans are big picture things…education, employment, income, wealth. Those things have not changed. So you have to be cognoscente of those things and adjust accordingly. It makes a difference in how you raise your children and how much you make them aware of those things. But those are the things that haven’t really changed. On the surface popular culture may make you think that they have. I know there’s a Black president but the drop out rate in most districts that are predominately African American is still about 50%. And those are the things that we uniquely as African Americans against other minorities, particularly Latinos may have to deal with. Those are the foundational things…Do you agree?

M: I agree [laughs]

I: How do you manage your money? Like who pays the bills and/or decides how money will be spent and are you satisfied with this arrangement?

F: For the most part we decide how money is spent together, but she is MUCH better at handling the money than I am.

[laughter]

F: And I’m ok with that [laughs]

M: When we started out, we pretty much each had our own bank account. He was responsible for things and I was responsible for things. And um…it didn’t work so well doing it that way. So I kind of took over the finances and I pretty much  make things happen.

F: Yes she does.

M: Any major purchases that we do, we decide together. Its not like one person just goes out and…

M/F: …buys a car!

M: That’s a problem [laughs]

I: How do you handle domestic responsibilities in your family? Like, who does what? For example, care for the children, housework, etc…and also are you satisfied with this arrangement?

M: I pretty much do everything..

[laughter]

M: No, he does help. He does a lot of the outside work. Sometimes I have to remind him or you know say “why don’t you pick that up?!”

F: It’s pretty much the traditional male/female familial roles for the most part. I help out when asked or needed.

[laughter]

I: You cook breakfast on Sundays!

F: That’s right!

M: and I do appreciate it.

[laughter]

I: Do you believe in the traditional notion as a man as the head of the household? Why or why not?

F: I mean, I do simply because that’s how I was raised. As I’ve gotten older and have become more aware of the scripture, I think that’s kind of how God created everything. There are certain roles, nobody’s role is better than the other. They’re just different. That’s what I think.

M: Well that’s pretty much the same way I think. I grew up in a traditional household and I think the man should be the head of the household.

I: How do you spend your leisure time?

F: Wow…I really don’t have a whole lot of leisure time. Leisure time is just really…nothing! [laughs] Chilling!

M: Leisure time like relaxing at home and attending family events.

F: Pretty much. Like I said, as you get older you’re not trying to go out here and go out there. When you have time that you’re not working or trying to get something done, you’re just enjoying your time at home.

M: Well leisure time will change shortly because now that the kids are almost gone…one is pretty much out of the house and the other is heading that way..

F: Were almost empty nesters! That will change everything!

[laughter]

M: We’re going to start date night.

I: What things do you do on a regular basis to keep your marriage strong and healthy?

M: Pretty much just letting each other know that we love each other.

F: Yea again, communication is key.

M: We talk a lot. We laugh a lot.

F. The ritualistic kind of things, I think it’s more of a constant communication thing that makes the difference more so than saying, “We’re going to do this every Tuesday night.” Even though there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s always helpful. But I think the constant communication, give and take time together is really the thing that’s key. Being honest and true with your thoughts and treating each other with respect.

I: What do you think is/are the most important ingredients for a successful marriage?

F: I mean, you look at other people relationships, and you never really know what goes on in someone’s home, but I think that people have to understand that it aint easy! Sometimes you have to work through stuff. I mean, stuffs gonna hit the fan. It just does. That’s life. And sometimes people don’t take the time to remember why they got married. They get don’t get past those things. I think most times people could get past things, but its pride or some other thing that really don’t matter that gets in the way.

M: I think a lot of that comes with communication. Having fun together and just supporting each other.

I: What advice would you give to a black couple who is preparing for marriage that you think would increase their likelihood of having a satisfying and lasting marriage?

M: Don’t do it!! No I’m just kidding [laughs]

[laughter]

F: The thing is this, I think that people need to understand that grown folk don’t change! That’s the first thing. If you go in there and someone has a habit that you cant stand, its gonna be there.

M: It will NOT change.

F: So you need to understand that it’s a part of the package, ok? Now people do grow, and they grow out of things and they change, but it’s only when they want to change. Don’t try to change people. And if you’re mad, say you’re mad! Don’t like hold it in.

M: Right. You can’t walk around not speaking to each other.

F: Yea if you’re mad, say you’re mad.

M: Try to never go to bed angry.

F: Be careful of the words that come out of your mouth…you can’t take those back. At the same time, remember that it’s hard. Words sometimes hurt, but sometimes you have to look past the words and listen to what someone’s heart is telling you.

I: And lastly, in general, would you encourage black adult males and females to marry? Why or why not?

[laughter]

F: Yea.

M: I would.

F: Again…it aint easy and I think that people expect it to be. And that’s the fallacy. That’s the trick.

M: And not only that, I think children need both parents. I think they need to grow up in a happy house with both parents.

F: I think it even goes deeper than that. That’s the way this was designed. A man and woman are supposed to marry and become one flesh…be fruitful and multiply. That’s how it was designed. I think that if people follow the things that the Book says about how you’re supposed to deal with each other in a relationship…and this is strictly my opinion, usually the problem is that people get mad and their ego’s get in the way. Because the scripture says for husbands to love their wives. I truly believe… I firmly believe …it says “honor them, love them, and treat them with respect.” It doesn’t say anywhere for women to love their husbands. Because I truly believe that if a man loves and honors a woman, she will love and honor him back. I think that that’s just how were all wired. But that’s just me…what do I know?

[laughter]

M: I definitely agree with that.

F: Here’s the thing, if there’s an issue, just based on the way that we’re wired as men and women, often times, if the man does not take responsibility to make that step, the step is not going to happen. I mean, that’s just how I think of it. As a man you’re sometimes responsible for things that aren’t your fault.

[laughter]

F: That’s just part of the package.

M: And sometimes you’re responsible for things that ARE your fault.

F: That’s true.

[laughter]

F: But either way you’re responsible.

[laughter]

I: Well thank you guys very much, that concludes my Black Marital Relations interview. I appreciate your time…thanks!

Finally!

Guess who is officially employed???

Thats right...ME!!!!

Im so happy. Everyone who knows me knows how stressed I have been over this job situation. Finally my hunt is over....exactly 3 months to the day of my graduation. I graduated May 8th, meaning May 9th was my first day in the real world. Today is August 9th. In hindsight I dont know why I was so panicky. Finding a job only 3 months after graduation isnt shabby at all. The woman that I interviewed with yesterday said that her daughter has been waitressing for 2 years because she hasnt been able to find anything that pays well post-grad. Wow. This alone makes me realize how blessed I am. I will continue to keep the rest of the class of 2011 in my prayers every night as we each go out on our various journeys.

How Blessed is She?

blessed.

honestly, thats the only word that could possibly describe the life i live. ive gone through so much in 20 years...and yet, im still here.

that in itself is a blessing.

one day i woke up and i finally realized how beautiful my life was...

[that bad times dont last forever, that tears make you stronger. that one failure WONT ruin your life, that smiles are priceless.that a hug (i mean a REALLY good hug) can chase all your worries away...that sometimes all you can do is pray. that the only person you have to answer to is God, that love can move mountains. that communication is essential, that memories are perfect. that you grow from your mistakes, and everyday is a lesson learned. that you get out of life what you put in. and that hard work beats talent when talent doesnt work hard enough. that people come and go, but the important ones remain constant. that sometimes its okay to be alone..that its okay to dance in the street. that your name is all you have, that tomorrow it could all be game. that if life was simple, it wouldnt be fun. that true beauty lies within. that there are some things that you have to learn on your own. that there is someone for everyone, that you should share your gifts with others..]


THAT was the day that i truly started living.