This is an interview i did with them as part of a black marital relations class i took last semester (by far my favorite class EVER). Its a little long but i found some of their answers really interesting. I hope to learn from their trials and tribulations and who knows....maybe one of you will too!
**although this was a black marital relations class i think a lot of this wisdom is relevant to ALL people. I've bolded the things that I think you'd guys would care about most. enjoy!
M=mother F=father I=interviewer
I: Ok, so this is my interview for Black Marital Relations
class. These are my parents, Dallas and Robin. I’m going to
ask you guys a few questions…how long have you been married?
F: 23 ½ years.
I: How did you become a couple, and also what attracted you
guys to each other?
F: Um…I was in typing senior year and I had some work I had
to make up.
M: How do you make up typing??
F: Well…anyway (laughs) I had some work to make up and she
was in the class. I asked my friend if he could try to get her number for me.
M: Instead of typing the entire class, he stood and stared
at me the entire 45 minutes.
F: She acted like she didn’t see me looking at her…but I
know she did!
[laughter]
M: So that’s how it all began. Right before spring break of
our senior year.
I: At Hampton University…well at Hampton Institute.
M: In Phenix hall.
I: So what attracted you to him?
M: I think his eyes…I liked his droopy eyes.
I: What attracted you to her?
F: She was fine man…beautiful young lady.
[laughter]
I: So what would you identify as strengths of your marriage?
M: Communication.
F: Yea, communication. You gotta say what’s on your mind,
even if the other person doesn’t want to hear it you have to say it.
I: What can you identify as some special strengths that
African Americans might bring into their marital relationships?
F: Um, I don’t know if it’s an African American thing, I
think it’s with any relationship that its important that you understand how
each other feel about big picture things like family. If one person comes from
a really close family and the other one doesn’t… if there’s not an
understanding of those things before you decide to become a couple it can
become an issue. If you want to have kids…what you think about kids…
M: What holidays you celebrate…all of that makes a big
difference in your marriage.
I: What are some special challenges or problems that you
have experienced in your marriage?
M: I think pretty much when you stand before God and say
those vows, we’ve pretty much gone through every aspect of those vows in our
marriage. For richer, for poorer, for better, for worse…you know all of those
things are more than just words.
F: Yea and your challenges are different as you grow older.
You’ve experienced different things, you are going through different things,
different things bring you joy, different things are distractions depending on
how old you are. So as you get older the distractions become fewer, issues
become fewer…
I: Yea because you guys were married young.
F: Yes!
I: 23.
M: Very young.
F: EXTREMELY young.
[laughter]
I: Fresh out of college.
M: Pretty much…
F: Just about.
I: What can you identify as some unique challenges or
problems…wait, I just asked you that didn’t I? Ok, next question. In what area
do you feel that you have had to make the greatest compromise due to your
marriage?
F: Wow…compromise? I don’t feel like I really had to
compromise very much. I mean because you know the thing is, like I said as you
get older the things you like to do change. I think when I was younger I don’t
think I had to compromise, I think that was one of the things like…I liked to
go out a lot, Robin didn’t like to go out as much soooo…I didn’t go out as much
as I probably would have if I was single [laughs]…but she didn’t like say “ You
cant go out.” That kind of thing, so I mean I don’t really feel like I had to
sacrifice that much. And whatever I had to sacrifice was worth it.
[laughter]
M: Yea I don’t think I’ll elaborate on that one… [laughs]
I: I thought I asked you guys this question, but I didn’t.
What can you identify as some unique challenges or problems that African
American couples in general might experience?
F: Well I mean, you know we live in a society where you as
an African American have many more opportunities then say your parents or
grandparents did. But the things that are underlying in American society that
impact African Americans are big picture things…education, employment, income,
wealth. Those things have not changed. So you have to be cognoscente of those
things and adjust accordingly. It makes a difference in how you raise your
children and how much you make them aware of those things. But those are the
things that haven’t really changed. On the surface popular culture may make you
think that they have. I know there’s a Black president but the drop out rate in
most districts that are predominately African American is still about 50%. And
those are the things that we uniquely as African Americans against other
minorities, particularly Latinos may have to deal with. Those are the
foundational things…Do you agree?
M: I agree [laughs]
I: How do you manage your money? Like who pays the bills
and/or decides how money will be spent and are you satisfied with this
arrangement?
F: For the most part we decide how money is spent together,
but she is MUCH better at handling the money than I am.
[laughter]
F: And I’m ok with that [laughs]
M: When we started out, we pretty much each had our own bank
account. He was responsible for things and I was responsible for things. And
um…it didn’t work so well doing it that way. So I kind of took over the
finances and I pretty much make
things happen.
F: Yes she does.
M: Any major purchases that we do, we decide together. Its
not like one person just goes out and…
M/F: …buys a car!
M: That’s a problem [laughs]
I: How do you handle domestic responsibilities in your
family? Like, who does what? For example, care for the children, housework,
etc…and also are you satisfied with this arrangement?
M: I pretty much do everything..
[laughter]
M: No, he does help. He does a lot of the outside work.
Sometimes I have to remind him or you know say “why don’t you pick that up?!”
F: It’s pretty much the traditional male/female familial
roles for the most part. I help out when asked or needed.
[laughter]
I: You cook breakfast on Sundays!
F: That’s right!
M: and I do appreciate it.
[laughter]
I: Do you believe in the traditional notion as a man as the
head of the household? Why or why not?
F: I mean, I do simply because that’s how I was raised. As
I’ve gotten older and have become more aware of the scripture, I think that’s
kind of how God created everything. There are certain roles, nobody’s role is
better than the other. They’re just different. That’s what I think.
M: Well that’s pretty much the same way I think. I grew up
in a traditional household and I think the man should be the head of the
household.
I: How do you spend your leisure time?
F: Wow…I really don’t have a whole lot of leisure time.
Leisure time is just really…nothing! [laughs] Chilling!
M: Leisure time like relaxing at home and attending family
events.
F: Pretty much. Like I said, as you get older you’re not
trying to go out here and go out there. When you have time that you’re not
working or trying to get something done, you’re just enjoying your time at
home.
M: Well leisure time will change shortly because now that
the kids are almost gone…one is pretty much out of the house and the other is
heading that way..
F: Were almost empty nesters! That will change everything!
[laughter]
M: We’re going to start date night.
I: What things do you do on a regular basis to keep your
marriage strong and healthy?
M: Pretty much just letting each other know that we love
each other.
F: Yea again, communication is key.
M: We talk a lot. We laugh a lot.
F. The ritualistic kind of things, I think it’s more of a
constant communication thing that makes the difference more so than saying,
“We’re going to do this every Tuesday night.” Even though there’s nothing wrong
with that and that’s always helpful. But I think the constant communication,
give and take time together is really the thing that’s key. Being honest and
true with your thoughts and treating each other with respect.
I: What do you think is/are the most important ingredients
for a successful marriage?
F: I mean, you look at other people relationships, and you
never really know what goes on in someone’s home, but I think that people have
to understand that it aint easy! Sometimes you have to work through stuff. I
mean, stuffs gonna hit the fan. It just does. That’s life. And sometimes people
don’t take the time to remember why they got married. They get don’t get past
those things. I think most times people could get past things, but its pride or
some other thing that really don’t matter that gets in the way.
M: I think a lot of that comes with communication. Having
fun together and just supporting each other.
I: What advice would you give to a black couple who is
preparing for marriage that you think would increase their likelihood of having
a satisfying and lasting marriage?
M: Don’t do it!! No I’m just kidding [laughs]
[laughter]
F: The thing is this, I think that people need to understand
that grown folk don’t change! That’s the first thing. If you go in there and
someone has a habit that you cant stand, its gonna be there.
M: It will NOT change.
F: So you need to understand that it’s a part of the
package, ok? Now people do grow, and they grow out of things and they change,
but it’s only when they want to change. Don’t try to change people. And if you’re
mad, say you’re mad! Don’t like hold it in.
M: Right. You can’t walk around not speaking to each other.
F: Yea if you’re mad, say you’re mad.
M: Try to never go to bed angry.
F: Be careful of the words that come out of your mouth…you can’t
take those back. At the same time, remember that it’s hard. Words sometimes
hurt, but sometimes you have to look past the words and listen to what someone’s
heart is telling you.
I: And lastly, in general, would you encourage black adult
males and females to marry? Why or why not?
[laughter]
F: Yea.
M: I would.
F: Again…it aint easy and I think that people expect it to
be. And that’s the fallacy. That’s the trick.
M: And not only that, I think children need both parents. I
think they need to grow up in a happy house with both parents.
F: I think it even goes deeper than that. That’s the way
this was designed. A man and woman are supposed to marry and become one
flesh…be fruitful and multiply. That’s how it was designed. I think that if
people follow the things that the Book says about how you’re supposed to deal
with each other in a relationship…and this is strictly my opinion, usually the
problem is that people get mad and their ego’s get in the way. Because the
scripture says for husbands to love their wives. I truly believe… I firmly
believe …it says “honor them, love them, and treat them with respect.” It
doesn’t say anywhere for women to love their husbands. Because I truly believe
that if a man loves and honors a woman, she will love and honor him back. I
think that that’s just how were all wired. But that’s just me…what do I know?
[laughter]
M: I definitely agree with that.
F: Here’s the thing, if there’s an issue, just based on the
way that we’re wired as men and women, often times, if the man does not take
responsibility to make that step, the step is not going to happen. I mean,
that’s just how I think of it. As a man you’re sometimes responsible for things
that aren’t your fault.
[laughter]
F: That’s just part of the package.
M: And sometimes you’re responsible for things that ARE your
fault.
F: That’s true.
[laughter]
F: But either way you’re responsible.
[laughter]
I: Well thank you guys very much, that concludes my Black
Marital Relations interview. I appreciate your time…thanks!
