I Think Im Just About Over...

Im over giving him chances to grow up. Its clear to me now that Im in it for the history....not because I love him. We're just so different. Two different people from two different worlds. How could I love and spend my life with someone who has never witnessed a loving, successful relationship up close? Lately I've been testing him. Starting random debates just to see where his head is at. He's been failing miserably. We have completely different views on how a man should treat a woman and vice versa. There are some things that you just cant teach a person. Through our debates I see he lacks commitment. He's quick to bail out of tough situations....at least in regards to relationships.

....And he uses the word bitch. I hate it. And I've told him so. His answer is always the same, "but I dont call you a bitch." He uses the word so freely that I highly doubt that he's never used it in reference to me when talking to other people.

Its a shame. I really thought we could make this work. But I dont even feel sad at this point. Im indifferent. I think Im just about over it.

Inspector Jazmyn.

i have a terrible habit of searching for information. i cant help it. just call me inspector jazmyn.

today my boofriend got into a pretty bad car accident. he's halfway across country and he called me from the emergency room. thank God he's okay. but a few minutes ago i decided to stalk his ex-boofriends twitter [dont judge me]. she tweeted about his accident....what?? last i heard he had no contact with the brawd. for him to contact her after something tragic means that they must talk pretty often. hmmmm.

i wonder who his ass called first.

so ive been MIA the last week or so. i randomly decided to take a mini vacation to virginia . it seemed like all of my friends were having such a great time together and i was sick of reading their tweets about how much fun they were having without me! lol

all in all it was a great few days. i got here on wednesday and im leaving today. in fact im in the airport right now. i got to spend time with my linesisters from wednesday to friday. had a few drinks. acted a little crazy lol. then on friday night i went to spent the weekend with my hunny. hes down here training for his new job. im so proud of him like...hes a legit grown up now LOL! we had such a good time. i really think this could turn into something good despite all of the crazy shit weve been through the past 2 years.

im finally learning to let go of the past and embrace my future. its wonderful.

sorry...i felt the need to continue my rant.

JUST when i was starting to think that maybe there was a glimmer of hope for us somewhere in the future..SMH

everytime i get a little bit of faith in you (in us), you do something that takes me back to square one.

i just need to realize that once trust is gone in a relationship, there is no bouncing back from that.

The Scenario.

scenario::

i ask you about your relationship with a female while were together. you deny that youre friends saying "i havent talked to her in years." its less than a month after we "break up" and all of a sudden you guys are buddy buddy.

maybe im trippin.....but i doubt your relationship with her blossomed over the course of 2 weeks. in order for that to happen you guys had to have been contacting one another for quite some time...which means that you lied.

..which means that i cant trust you.

..which means we are really over.

closure finally?

My Struggle.

im learning to pick and choose my battles.

or at least im attempting to learn. im so driven by emotion that its hard for me to control my actions sometimes. i ask things i shouldnt ask, say things i shouldnt say, tweet things i shouldnt tweet, etc.

i have to learn that i cant always get what i want. i cant have my cake and eat it too. i cant expect someone to do things that i myself am not willing to do.

its hard. and im hurt. but im just going to hand it all over to God.

i have to realize that what he does at this point is absolutely none of my business =\

Random Outburst.

im selfish.

just because i dont want you at the moment does NOT mean you can go do whatever you want...you are MINE. ::angry face::

::screams::

AHHHHHHHHH.

yes im a selfish hypocrite smh.

New Rule.

So this may sound a little crazy...

But...

If Im not afraid to slap you in the face...I cant date you.

Last week I saw a girl slap the SHIT out of her "boo"....and he didnt even flinch, tell her to stop, yell, NOTHING.

I personally would NEVER even think about hitting a man in his face. Hitting a man in his face is grounds for him to hit you and is disrespectful as hell. Its a sign that you wear the pants (not him) in the relationship.

I like manly men...not abusive...but manly...assertive. If you will let a female hit you in your face, youre a little too soft for me lol.

Over It.

coming from a grade A cry baby...

when ive run out of tears for you...you know youve fucked up.

im done giving chances. im done pretending. im over it.

You Snooze, You Lose.

the problem is...

i cared alot when you cared a little. now that you care alot, im not sure how i feel.

hmm.

Just a Thought..

sometimes,
feelings are just too strong to disregard.

try as i might,
i cant get past the thought
that you might be loving her.

it kills me.

sometimes,
i wonder if you call her..
before or after you talk to me.

how much time are you investing?

sometimes,
these thoughts creep into my mind..
and rest on the tip of my tongue,
before retreating back into my subconscious.

they haunt me.

sometimes,
i get so wrapped up in you,
that i forget about me..
and what i deserve.

the truth.

sometimes baby,
i wonder whos loving you.

Its About Time I Make That Move..

is it possible to approach a situation without creating drama? even if i come at her MAD respectful...how will she react?

i have some questions and only you have the answers. ive been avoiding it, but all signs always come straight back to you. ughh. im like the nicest girl...i wont come at you like a ghetto bird bitch, i promise.

please please please dont give me a reason to get reckless sweetie =\

please?

Who is She to You?

Who is she to you?

A question that so many of us have found ourselves asking time and time again. Always in the back of our minds, the past continuously coincides with our futures. No matter how hard we try, no matter how fast we run, we cannot escape ourselves.

The past is what makes me who i am. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that i dont regret anything thats ever happened to me. All of the heartaches, all of the pain, all of the laughs and lessons learned all make me me. They are the reason that i am able to hold my head high today. The reason i glide when i walk...the reason i am ready for other people to notice the beauty thats been within me all along.

The past defines our relationships. His past, her past, your past all become one the moment that you trust another person with your heart. The things he learned from her, he will carry on and share with you. The mistakes you made with him, you will try your hardest to do things differently this time around. The past should ultimately help you grow into the woman (or man) that you want to be. Both your trials and triumphs will help mold you into the perfect imperfection that someone is longing for.

What do you do, however, when the past is hindering the growth of your relationship? Its not that he has given any cause for alarm, but that she is still trying to fight her way into your picture perfect frame.

As a woman, i am extremely receptive. I notice and remember EVERYTHING. Its not that i go out of my way to be a private eye, i just cant help it....its in my DNA.

What we dont pick up on, our friends do. They become our eyes when we are blind and our ears when we are deaf. Friendship is a beautiful and necessary part of life. But its almost as dangerous as it is wonderful. Friends can "help" you discover things that you never really needed to notice. They put thoughts (and sometimes lies) in your head in an attempt to help you. Just to ensure that you wont get hurt again. Unknowingly pushing you straight into heartbreaks arms.

Pre-heartbreak comes distress. Your past is on my mind nonstop. I find myself asking the same question over and over again: Who is She to You??? Each day, my distress grows a little more, while i struggle to maintain my smile....to ignore it. I realize that i can not erase the past, and i never will attempt to. But i cant help feeling like your past should have some level of respect for your future. I shouldnt have to feel uneasy every time youre not with me. I should be able to trust you freely and whole heartily.

...But your past is causing me to slip into my old ways. Its giving me reason to reconnect with all of the tendencies and emotions that i thought i had left behind. Your past is pushing me further into mine.

You have a decision to make.

Lost && Confused.

UGHHH sometimes its so hard to follow my own advice! Im trying really hard not to re-nig on all of the promises that ive made myself.

What do you do when you dont know what to believe?? When your heart tells you one thing...but your mind tells you something completely different. I have a situation America (idk why Ive randomly been talking like Bernie Mac lately lmao).

I really really really want (and desperately need) to talk to him about something. The thing is...i really trust him, honestly i do. And Ive asked him about this particular situation before. Its still on my mind, lurking there ( driving me crAaAaaZZzy!!).

Will bringing it up again be a sign that maybe i dont trust him as much as i told him i do? I dont want him to think im nagging him...or that im becoming one of those private eye girl-nots (definition of girl or boy- not: an individual who is basically your girl or boyfriend, without the title; the main or only individual you talk to). UGHHHH what should I do??!

There is no doubt in my mind that hes mine. I mean, get all of his time..if were not together, were texting...if were not texting, were on the phone..etc. If i know all of this why cant i just go on with my life?? I just really need to get this off of my chest.

soo effin frustrating :-(

My Beautiful Surprise.

And so..

I think Im finally strong enough to let it all go...completely. Being with you has made me realize that i deserve to be happy. I deserve to love freely. I deserve to trust. I know that nothing or no one is perfect, but Im living for this moment. Im 100% dedicated to making this work. There is no past him...there is only you, my Beautiful Surprise.

Any problem that we may encounter, Im ready. Im not anticipating the wrong. Im no longer waiting for us to fail.

We have so much to learn from one another, and Im excited. I want you to know everything. Every thought, every insecurity, every aspiration. I want you to know me. I dont want to hide who I am when Im with you. I want this to be pure. Untarnished, Untouchable, Everlasting.

I never want to come down from this high.


"It's like yesterday
I didn't even know your name
Now today
You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise"

What Do You Do?

What do you do, when you dont know what to do?

Im so afraid. Im afraid of the goosebumps that i get when you touch me. Of the butterflies that magically appear when you pull me closer. Of the way i can get lost in your arms....

I am afraid of you.

Each day i feel myself falling for you a little bit more. I find myself kissing you a little bit longer, hugging you a little bit tighter...subconsciously trying to become one with you...and i love it.

But still im afraid.

What if i fall, but you remain standing?

I mean...i promised myself that i would never ever let another man do to me what he did. Never again will i let anyone hurt me like he did. And you promised me that you wouldnt.

But im afraid of the unknown.

Is this thing, this me&you, this us going to work? You knocked down the wall around my heart, and im trying SO hard, to let you love me...to let you care for me. Im trying SO hard to reciprocate that. But my past continues to haunt me. It lurks in the corners of my mind waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for you not to call, to forget all about me. Waiting for me to be alone again.

What do you do, when you dont know what to do? When you find yourself running from both your past AND your future? What do you do when youre trapped in the now, at a standstill...when life is seemingly passing you by?