Evolution.

I turned 25 on Sunday.

...and honestly...it was the best birthday ever. I just finished my first year of grad school (and I'm pretty sure I got straight A's). My boyfriend and closest friends threw me the sweetest surprise party (complete with Patron cupcakes). I got a fitbit (currently obsessed). Overall life is pretty awesome right now. 25 is going to be a great year.

But as I enter a new chapter in my life, a new quarter century, I can't help but reflect on the last. There's one thing that stands out to me as being completely different at 25 than it was at 24. My inner circle.

After college, I tried desperately to maintain friendships that were near and dear to my heart. I'd text, call, send smoke signals, whatever. Anything to save the friendship from dying. It took me a long time to realize that I was fighting to save relationships with people who weren't willing to do the same for me.

At first...this hurt. A lot.

Then I realized that people change. We outgrow one another. We find ourselves, and lose others along the way. We grow up.

This year I noticed these changes in the ways people wished me a happy birthday. Some people who used to call, simply wrote me on Facebook. Friends who used to celebrate with me, ignored my brunch invite. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I'm not hurt anymore.

I realize that more than likely this isn't personal. Although I'm sad to say goodbye to friendships that at one point meant the world to me...Im excited to make new friends. To grow closer to the ones who are still around. To experience everything this new 25+ life has to offer. Im ready to keep growing into the woman that I'm meant to be.

I'm choosing to live in the now. To enjoy every single moment that I'm blessed with, with the people who currently love me the most. I will forever be grateful for the things these past friends have taught me. And I'll probably always consider them friends. Who knows? Our paths may indeed cross again one day. If you can grow apart, you can surely grow together...right?

Letting Go...?

Is there a difference between letting things go and being fake?

If you let something go without truly resolving the issue at hand.....are you really over it? Or is it in the back of your mind, weighing heavy on your heart while you smile like everything is alright?

I wish I had the answers to these questions.

Im not the type to hold on to bad feelings. Im always the one encouraging everyone to make up and get along...but this time...this time is different.

Im hurt. I've seen sides of people close to me that I never fathomed existed.

And now...now everyone is acting like things are back to normal.

Am I a bitch for thinking that they will never be normal again?

Am I horrible for not wanting them to be after the things I've seen?

Sticky Fingers.

have you ever had a friend thats just extra touchy feely?? you try not to hurt his feelings (because thats your friend) but it gets to the point that you are physically uncomfortable..

i have.

its so awkward. grabbing my waist (and ass), kissing my shoulders, cuffin in the club -__-

how do you tell someone to leave you alone without ruining a friendship? ive tried jokingly saying, "oh boy u better stop!" and when that didnt work i tried the serious approach, "im serious...get OFF of me!!"

i know hes drunk..but come on man.

its not scary to the point that i think he would cause me any physical harm. i know hes not that kind of guy. but i dont think that i should have to feel uncomfortable while im out with friends trying to have a good time.

this has happened to me on more than one occasion with more than one guy friend. NO im not giving off any signals, because im not attracted to these guys in any way,shape, or form. im nice...and friendly...but do i really look that damn approachable?!

suggestions?

Silver && Gold

so...im sitting here at 11 o'clock on a friday night blown outta my mind. i really wanna go out and have some fun!

i realize now that i need new friends. i mean, id still keep the old...but i need to start branching out. i need to be comfortable hanging out with different people. i need a change.

and i mean female friends. ive never been a catty girl...ive always had a plethora of girlfriends on deck...but not in college. i found a group i was comfortable with freshman yr and i settled.

thats one of my biggest regrets. i never got out there and networked. sure i have a ton of "school" friends..but none that i can call up on the weekends and say 'ayy girlie..lets go out!'

i want that. badly...sigh...i hope its not too late.

'make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver and the others gold."

Lonely Pain.

sometimes i wish i had a best friend. a hard core one.

ive had so many throughout the yrs...but none who have remained constant.

i dont usually tell all my business...but i think it would nice to have someone there...just in case i decided to.

im so lonely lately. even in a room full of people. its like im sitting in darkness. like somethings missing.

i thought id found one...finally. but theyve been playing me as of late---at the time when i need them the most. i dont know why..i dont understand it.

it hurts.

when you think you have someone, and they suddenly disappear..you realize you have no one but yourself.lonely pain is the worst pain, im convinced.

i think maybe ive been alone for some time now...i just didnt realize it.

my heart aches.

Its Human Nature.

WOW ive been gone forever my blog lovies, but im back! Classes are almost over soooo ima have a lot more time to get my thoughts out there=]

Sometimes i just dont learn my lesson.

And its not just me, i see this flaw in my friends, my family, in strangers..it sucks. Im working on learning (well, not learning, but remembering) that i can not change people. Why is such a simple concept so hard to grasp?

Sweethearts, i reiterate, you can not change people, unless of course, they are ready to change.

Perhaps its like the late great MJ said...its just human nature! i distance myself from people because of the ways that they have hurt me in the past. Im so determined at that moment, never to let them get that close to me again. Closeness is an open invitation for broken-ness and only certain people should be extended that invitation.

But then, the day comes when i have a change of heart. i begin reminiscing about the good times we had, the love, the laughter, the smiles....and i want it back. I decide to forgive, but never forget. To allow him or her back into my life, but under strict circumstances:

1)im not going to tell him/ her my business
2)i wont answer his calls after friend hours (12 am)
3)bullshit bullshit bullshit

Looking back at my logic now, what the hell was i thinking? What kind of "friendship" involves shielding your thoughts, feelings, and/or emotions from one another? That isnt friendship loves...its simply non-existent.

I need to stop allowing people back into my life under these conditions. Ive realized once again that some people are in my past for a reason. Daddy told me once that people are in your life 'for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.' Keeping people in your life for longer than their allotted time will only hold you back.

Wait, let me say this again...

KEEPING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE FOR LONGER THAN THEIR ALLOTTED TIME WILL ONLY HOLD YOU BACK.

You cant change people, or their ways. Even if things seem to be going good in the beginning, i guarantee that he or she will slip back into their ways and you will end up hurt and broken once again. Who needs that negative energy in their life?

Im not saying that people cant change, because i truly believe that they can. But dont force the change on them. If he or she is ready, then let them come to you. Dont chase unrealistic fairy tales.

Make that your human nature.

Whats in a Friend?

Earlier this week my best friend Sorbourni and I had a discussion about what a real friend is. The answer may seem obvious...but how many of us (even at age 20) have truly grasped the true meaning of friendship?

When asking a child, one may receive some simple answers. "a friend is someone who gives me their cookies." "someone who shares their toys with me." "someone who can make me laugh."

At what age did friendship become so complicated?

All relationships, be it parent-child, boyfriend-girlfriend, friend-friend, etc., go through problems. There will be moments where you cant stand one another....you may even hate one another. There is nothing wrong with this. Dont be ashamed of yourself if you need to leave the room in the middle of an argument--just so you dont say something youll regret. Dont be afraid to blog or vent your anger out--just so you avoid an unnecessary altercation.

Learn which battles are worth fighting. Two people with strong personalities and ideals are NOT going to agree on everything. But sometimes its better to just agree to disagree. Not everything should be turned into a huge issue...its just not worth the stress.

I personally get annoyed VERY easily. Most of the time i realize that im overreacting..but im human, and that doesnt stop me from being mad. I write, i blog, i sit in my room and think. Ive learned how to channel my anger so that I can avoid hurting peoples feeling.

Come at your friends with respect. If you have a problem...address it in a way that you would want someone to come at you. You must realize that yelling and screaming will get you no where. Status wars will get you no where. Simply determining to end the friendship will get you no where. Come on now at this age, we are all mature enough to let go and let live.

Real friends can go months without talking. They can fight and make up, all in the matter of 24 hours. If all it takes is a little incident to ruin your relationship with someone...you probably had no business being together in the first place.

Sorbourni and I have been friends since 7th grade. Oh, there are times i cant stand her...just like i know there are times she just wants to wring my neck lol. But i love her. I love her enough to accept her flaws and to forgive her when shes wrong. No matter what problems we may encounter throughout our lives, i know she will be there for me no matter what. THAT is what true friendship is.

"....How deep is our bond, if thats all it takes for you to be gone??"