Tomorrow is my big move from NY to Baltimore.
For months I've anticipated this. As soon as I got my grad school acceptance letter my mom and I went crazy buying things for my apartment. I was sooo excited! Not only did I get to move out of my parents house and finally start my adult life...but I was actually really amped to get into public health... and I would be closer to my boyfriend!
Last saturday I realized that I had exactly one week until move in day. And I freaked out. Seriously...I was suddenly so sad. I realized that this would probably be the last time I'd ever live in the house I grew up in for an extended period of time. I mean...I went to college all the way in Virginia, so I'm used to being away...but this just felt way more...permanent. Being an adult scares me. Honestly, I don't really feel grown. How come no one told me that 24 feels like 18 [but with wayyyy more freedom] lol?! I was also nervous about the way my move would change my relationship. I've never been the kind of girl that is attached by the hip to my boyfriend. I like my space. But I've also never been in a serious non-long-distance relationship (yes I just made that up) as an adult. I know from watching my friends that in typical non-long-distance relationships couples are together quite a bit and they seem to enjoy it. What if I don't adapt? Will we just fall into a routine naturally? Will I grow to want to spend all of my free time with my boyfriend?
I can't say for sure...but I think that my fears are normal [please tell me they are lol]. Today, on the eve of my move...I can say that I'm excited again. Im ready to go and live my life. Im ready for new experiences. Im ready to be a young woman exploring a big city [that isnt New York]. Im ready to find myself. Im ready to grow.
Now we'll see how I feel about this when my parents leave and I'm left in my apartment alone twiddling my thumbs lol...but for now...I'm ready.
Showing posts with label Realization. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Realization. Show all posts
9.8.13
18.7.13
Buckle Up.
No...you haven't seen a ghost.
For months I've been contemplating the direction that I want my blog to take. Writing was so easy when I was going through hard times. But now that things are good? Not so much. It took me almost a year to realize that it's okay to be happy. To not have some heart wrenching story to tell. It seems I had lost sight of why I started this blog in the first place...for me.
For now this blog will simply be a day by day account of my life. Sometimes it may be boring. Sometimes funny. Sometimes happy, sad, exciting, WHATEVER. This blog will be about me :-).
I'd definitely like to incorporate vlogs. And I definitely want this blog to be a true representation of my 24 year old self. 23 was such an amazing year for me; Im really sad that I didn't document it better.
I'm going to do a separate post about whats been going on in my life since the last time you guys heard from me (September 2012).
I'm excited for this new journey and I hope you all are excited for the ride!
For months I've been contemplating the direction that I want my blog to take. Writing was so easy when I was going through hard times. But now that things are good? Not so much. It took me almost a year to realize that it's okay to be happy. To not have some heart wrenching story to tell. It seems I had lost sight of why I started this blog in the first place...for me.
For now this blog will simply be a day by day account of my life. Sometimes it may be boring. Sometimes funny. Sometimes happy, sad, exciting, WHATEVER. This blog will be about me :-).
I'd definitely like to incorporate vlogs. And I definitely want this blog to be a true representation of my 24 year old self. 23 was such an amazing year for me; Im really sad that I didn't document it better.
I'm going to do a separate post about whats been going on in my life since the last time you guys heard from me (September 2012).
I'm excited for this new journey and I hope you all are excited for the ride!
20.3.12
"Post-Racial" Black America.
Our Black brothers are raping our Black sisters,
Degrading them by calling them bitches and hoes.
Our Black sisters are devaluing our Black brothers,
Stripping them of their crowns with statements like “Niggas
aint shit.”
Our Black children can no longer remember what a two-parent
home looks like.
The vision of an independent, hard working mother
And a lazy, nonexistent father is all that they know.
Our Black princesses no longer wish to grow into Black
queens.
They long to be the king.
Strong, in charge, and single,
Because they “don’t need a man for shit.”
Our Black princes no longer know what it means to be a king.
They no longer yearn to provide, protect, and facilitate
their future families.
We’re killing each other over sneakers and petty
altercations.
We have become stagnant as a people.
Content with the Civil Rights advancements made 50 years
ago.
We see no room for progress.
We see no need for it.
We belittle our history,
Choosing to ignore the fight of our ancestors,
Attempting to undermine the contributions they made towards
building this nation.
We no longer see the struggles of our Black brothers and
sisters as our own.
We try desperately to distinguish ourselves from the color
of our skin.
We are embarrassed by our Blackness.
Instead of embracing the physical diversity of our people,
We separate ourselves with comments such as
“I don’t like light skinned boys” or “I don’t like dark
skinned girls.”
We have enslaved ourselves by becoming ashamed of who we
are.
We are “Post-Racial” Black America.
14.10.09
Hidden Meaning
day 2.
day 2 was so hectic, that i didnt have time to focus on all of the days that came before it.
-i wish i still possessed the innocence of a child. no worries..everything can be solved with a kiss, hug, and some ice cream. children are so willing to believe that everything will be okay...there is no doubt in their minds.
-coming to college made me realize how absolutely blessed i am to have grown up the way that i did. my family has always, always been supportive of me. both my mom and dads side are so close, i love it. they raised me to be strong, hardworking, and open minded. of course theyre not perfect, but id say they did a pretty good job with me.
-today was a reminder to me that everything happens for a reason. all of the things ive been through, were to teach me a lesson. its up to me to recognize what God is trying to teach me, and to use that to better myself.
day 2 was a day of acceptance and realization.
day 2 was so hectic, that i didnt have time to focus on all of the days that came before it.
-i wish i still possessed the innocence of a child. no worries..everything can be solved with a kiss, hug, and some ice cream. children are so willing to believe that everything will be okay...there is no doubt in their minds.
-coming to college made me realize how absolutely blessed i am to have grown up the way that i did. my family has always, always been supportive of me. both my mom and dads side are so close, i love it. they raised me to be strong, hardworking, and open minded. of course theyre not perfect, but id say they did a pretty good job with me.
-today was a reminder to me that everything happens for a reason. all of the things ive been through, were to teach me a lesson. its up to me to recognize what God is trying to teach me, and to use that to better myself.
day 2 was a day of acceptance and realization.
12.10.09
Understanding
the worst thing is knowing, that no matter how much you love someone...he will never love you the same.
that he doesnt care enough to make sure youre okay.
..i cant do it anymore.
youd think id run out of tears by now...but theyre still here.
that he doesnt care enough to make sure youre okay.
..i cant do it anymore.
youd think id run out of tears by now...but theyre still here.
27.9.09
How Blessed is She?
blessed.
honestly, thats the only word that could possibly describe the life i live. ive gone through so much in 20 years...and yet, im still here.
that in itself is a blessing.
one day i woke up and i finally realized how beautiful my life was...
[that bad times dont last forever, that tears make you stronger. that one failure WONT ruin your life, that smiles are priceless.that a hug (i mean a REALLY good hug) can chase all your worries away...that sometimes all you can do is pray. that the only person you have to answer to is God, that love can move mountains. that communication is essential, that memories are perfect. that you grow from your mistakes, and everyday is a lesson learned. that you get out of life what you put in. and that hard work beats talent when talent doesnt work hard enough. that people come and go, but the important ones remain constant. that sometimes its okay to be alone..that its okay to dance in the street. that your name is all you have, that tomorrow it could all be game. that if life was simple, it wouldnt be fun. that true beauty lies within. that there are some things that you have to learn on your own. that there is someone for everyone, that you should share your gifts with others..]
THAT was the day that i truly started living.
honestly, thats the only word that could possibly describe the life i live. ive gone through so much in 20 years...and yet, im still here.
that in itself is a blessing.
one day i woke up and i finally realized how beautiful my life was...
[that bad times dont last forever, that tears make you stronger. that one failure WONT ruin your life, that smiles are priceless.that a hug (i mean a REALLY good hug) can chase all your worries away...that sometimes all you can do is pray. that the only person you have to answer to is God, that love can move mountains. that communication is essential, that memories are perfect. that you grow from your mistakes, and everyday is a lesson learned. that you get out of life what you put in. and that hard work beats talent when talent doesnt work hard enough. that people come and go, but the important ones remain constant. that sometimes its okay to be alone..that its okay to dance in the street. that your name is all you have, that tomorrow it could all be game. that if life was simple, it wouldnt be fun. that true beauty lies within. that there are some things that you have to learn on your own. that there is someone for everyone, that you should share your gifts with others..]
THAT was the day that i truly started living.
18.8.09
The Skin Im In.
“Look at me. I’m skinny, I have a big nose, no tits and no ass, but in a room full of beautiful women, I would still leave with the most gorgeous guy.”
- Zoe Saldana
i love this. it took me soo long to become comfortable in the skin im in. when i first got to high school, i was soo embarassed. i hated the way i looked. but by the time i turned 16, Ciara came out....and she looked like ME. petite as hell lol. but u know what? she was still a bad bitch. people loved her...they thought she was gorgeous.
thats the first time i realized that its okay to look different than everyone else. i have so much more to offer than my body. and i love it. i love me!
ladies...be comfortable in the skin youre in! your attitude and the way you carry yourself is what makes you beautiful. if youre beautiful inside, youll feel beautiful outside.
thank God for what He's blessed you with dolls. Looks dont last forever, they can be taken away in the blink of an eye.
- Zoe Saldana
i love this. it took me soo long to become comfortable in the skin im in. when i first got to high school, i was soo embarassed. i hated the way i looked. but by the time i turned 16, Ciara came out....and she looked like ME. petite as hell lol. but u know what? she was still a bad bitch. people loved her...they thought she was gorgeous.
thats the first time i realized that its okay to look different than everyone else. i have so much more to offer than my body. and i love it. i love me!
ladies...be comfortable in the skin youre in! your attitude and the way you carry yourself is what makes you beautiful. if youre beautiful inside, youll feel beautiful outside.
thank God for what He's blessed you with dolls. Looks dont last forever, they can be taken away in the blink of an eye.
17.7.09
Its Human Nature.
WOW ive been gone forever my blog lovies, but im back! Classes are almost over soooo ima have a lot more time to get my thoughts out there=]
Sometimes i just dont learn my lesson.
And its not just me, i see this flaw in my friends, my family, in strangers..it sucks. Im working on learning (well, not learning, but remembering) that i can not change people. Why is such a simple concept so hard to grasp?
Sweethearts, i reiterate, you can not change people, unless of course, they are ready to change.
Perhaps its like the late great MJ said...its just human nature! i distance myself from people because of the ways that they have hurt me in the past. Im so determined at that moment, never to let them get that close to me again. Closeness is an open invitation for broken-ness and only certain people should be extended that invitation.
But then, the day comes when i have a change of heart. i begin reminiscing about the good times we had, the love, the laughter, the smiles....and i want it back. I decide to forgive, but never forget. To allow him or her back into my life, but under strict circumstances:
1)im not going to tell him/ her my business
2)i wont answer his calls after friend hours (12 am)
3)bullshit bullshit bullshit
Looking back at my logic now, what the hell was i thinking? What kind of "friendship" involves shielding your thoughts, feelings, and/or emotions from one another? That isnt friendship loves...its simply non-existent.
I need to stop allowing people back into my life under these conditions. Ive realized once again that some people are in my past for a reason. Daddy told me once that people are in your life 'for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.' Keeping people in your life for longer than their allotted time will only hold you back.
Wait, let me say this again...
KEEPING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE FOR LONGER THAN THEIR ALLOTTED TIME WILL ONLY HOLD YOU BACK.
You cant change people, or their ways. Even if things seem to be going good in the beginning, i guarantee that he or she will slip back into their ways and you will end up hurt and broken once again. Who needs that negative energy in their life?
Im not saying that people cant change, because i truly believe that they can. But dont force the change on them. If he or she is ready, then let them come to you. Dont chase unrealistic fairy tales.
Make that your human nature.
Sometimes i just dont learn my lesson.
And its not just me, i see this flaw in my friends, my family, in strangers..it sucks. Im working on learning (well, not learning, but remembering) that i can not change people. Why is such a simple concept so hard to grasp?
Sweethearts, i reiterate, you can not change people, unless of course, they are ready to change.
Perhaps its like the late great MJ said...its just human nature! i distance myself from people because of the ways that they have hurt me in the past. Im so determined at that moment, never to let them get that close to me again. Closeness is an open invitation for broken-ness and only certain people should be extended that invitation.
But then, the day comes when i have a change of heart. i begin reminiscing about the good times we had, the love, the laughter, the smiles....and i want it back. I decide to forgive, but never forget. To allow him or her back into my life, but under strict circumstances:
1)im not going to tell him/ her my business
2)i wont answer his calls after friend hours (12 am)
3)bullshit bullshit bullshit
Looking back at my logic now, what the hell was i thinking? What kind of "friendship" involves shielding your thoughts, feelings, and/or emotions from one another? That isnt friendship loves...its simply non-existent.
I need to stop allowing people back into my life under these conditions. Ive realized once again that some people are in my past for a reason. Daddy told me once that people are in your life 'for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.' Keeping people in your life for longer than their allotted time will only hold you back.
Wait, let me say this again...
KEEPING PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE FOR LONGER THAN THEIR ALLOTTED TIME WILL ONLY HOLD YOU BACK.
You cant change people, or their ways. Even if things seem to be going good in the beginning, i guarantee that he or she will slip back into their ways and you will end up hurt and broken once again. Who needs that negative energy in their life?
Im not saying that people cant change, because i truly believe that they can. But dont force the change on them. If he or she is ready, then let them come to you. Dont chase unrealistic fairy tales.
Make that your human nature.
20.6.09
Who is She to You?
Who is she to you?
A question that so many of us have found ourselves asking time and time again. Always in the back of our minds, the past continuously coincides with our futures. No matter how hard we try, no matter how fast we run, we cannot escape ourselves.
The past is what makes me who i am. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that i dont regret anything thats ever happened to me. All of the heartaches, all of the pain, all of the laughs and lessons learned all make me me. They are the reason that i am able to hold my head high today. The reason i glide when i walk...the reason i am ready for other people to notice the beauty thats been within me all along.
The past defines our relationships. His past, her past, your past all become one the moment that you trust another person with your heart. The things he learned from her, he will carry on and share with you. The mistakes you made with him, you will try your hardest to do things differently this time around. The past should ultimately help you grow into the woman (or man) that you want to be. Both your trials and triumphs will help mold you into the perfect imperfection that someone is longing for.
What do you do, however, when the past is hindering the growth of your relationship? Its not that he has given any cause for alarm, but that she is still trying to fight her way into your picture perfect frame.
As a woman, i am extremely receptive. I notice and remember EVERYTHING. Its not that i go out of my way to be a private eye, i just cant help it....its in my DNA.
What we dont pick up on, our friends do. They become our eyes when we are blind and our ears when we are deaf. Friendship is a beautiful and necessary part of life. But its almost as dangerous as it is wonderful. Friends can "help" you discover things that you never really needed to notice. They put thoughts (and sometimes lies) in your head in an attempt to help you. Just to ensure that you wont get hurt again. Unknowingly pushing you straight into heartbreaks arms.
Pre-heartbreak comes distress. Your past is on my mind nonstop. I find myself asking the same question over and over again: Who is She to You??? Each day, my distress grows a little more, while i struggle to maintain my smile....to ignore it. I realize that i can not erase the past, and i never will attempt to. But i cant help feeling like your past should have some level of respect for your future. I shouldnt have to feel uneasy every time youre not with me. I should be able to trust you freely and whole heartily.
...But your past is causing me to slip into my old ways. Its giving me reason to reconnect with all of the tendencies and emotions that i thought i had left behind. Your past is pushing me further into mine.
You have a decision to make.
A question that so many of us have found ourselves asking time and time again. Always in the back of our minds, the past continuously coincides with our futures. No matter how hard we try, no matter how fast we run, we cannot escape ourselves.
The past is what makes me who i am. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that i dont regret anything thats ever happened to me. All of the heartaches, all of the pain, all of the laughs and lessons learned all make me me. They are the reason that i am able to hold my head high today. The reason i glide when i walk...the reason i am ready for other people to notice the beauty thats been within me all along.
The past defines our relationships. His past, her past, your past all become one the moment that you trust another person with your heart. The things he learned from her, he will carry on and share with you. The mistakes you made with him, you will try your hardest to do things differently this time around. The past should ultimately help you grow into the woman (or man) that you want to be. Both your trials and triumphs will help mold you into the perfect imperfection that someone is longing for.
What do you do, however, when the past is hindering the growth of your relationship? Its not that he has given any cause for alarm, but that she is still trying to fight her way into your picture perfect frame.
As a woman, i am extremely receptive. I notice and remember EVERYTHING. Its not that i go out of my way to be a private eye, i just cant help it....its in my DNA.
What we dont pick up on, our friends do. They become our eyes when we are blind and our ears when we are deaf. Friendship is a beautiful and necessary part of life. But its almost as dangerous as it is wonderful. Friends can "help" you discover things that you never really needed to notice. They put thoughts (and sometimes lies) in your head in an attempt to help you. Just to ensure that you wont get hurt again. Unknowingly pushing you straight into heartbreaks arms.
Pre-heartbreak comes distress. Your past is on my mind nonstop. I find myself asking the same question over and over again: Who is She to You??? Each day, my distress grows a little more, while i struggle to maintain my smile....to ignore it. I realize that i can not erase the past, and i never will attempt to. But i cant help feeling like your past should have some level of respect for your future. I shouldnt have to feel uneasy every time youre not with me. I should be able to trust you freely and whole heartily.
...But your past is causing me to slip into my old ways. Its giving me reason to reconnect with all of the tendencies and emotions that i thought i had left behind. Your past is pushing me further into mine.
You have a decision to make.
23.5.09
Perfect Size 3 ♥
Sometimes all it takes is one comment to change your entire outlook on life.
Ive been battling with my weight for months now. NO im not sick or anything...i dont have any disorders...ive been trying to gain weight.
I never thought anything was wrong with the way I looked. My whole life ive always been really active, ive always eaten a TON, and ive always been thin. No problems whatsoever...until this year.
Between October and December of my sophomore year at Hampton i lost 10 lbs. It sounds crazy, but i honestly didnt even notice until someone pointed out that my jeans were baggy. What?? Ive ALWAYS been the perfect size 3!! I had no clue what was going on with me. I mean, I was eating the same I always had...wtf? Sure I was going through alot, but could stress honestly make me lose 10 lbs in 3 months? It may not even sound like that much, but when youre little to begin with 10 lbs is like a death sentence! The more people commented, the more self conscious i got about my weight.
I hate hate hateeee! when people call me skinny...you might think its funny, but that shit really hurts my feelings. It got to the point where I couldnt even find clothes to fit me...what do u do when a size small is too big? There were even a few times when people made comments and i actually went in the bathroom and cried. Its really mean to make fun of people for things that they cant help, especially when they ask you to stop.
When I came home for Christmas break, my mom made me go to the doctor. You have no idea how bad that made me feel. People were lowkey blaming me for something i had NO control over. I love food too damn much to starve myself lol, believe that. Even after all that i still had to go back to Hampton, hearing about how fucking skinny i was. UGHHH.
Months fly by and all I do is EAT EAT EAT 24/7. I was so damn determined to gain back those 10 lbs...plus 5 just so i never had to hear anyones mouth again. And guess what people..ive finally achieved my original goal of 10!
During this time, i only really talked to a few people about how much the word skinny actually bothered me. I would point out ppl in the student center and say "Hey...i dont look like that girl right?? Im not as thin as her??" Lol, they may have thought I was joking, but i was dead ass trying to figure out just how gross i looked to the outside world.
Last night i was talking to one of my good guy friends about how i really want to get thick..just so im not skinny. and he says the simplest thing..."Jazmyn, youre the perfect size." Thats it. He made me realize that all this time Ive been worrying about how I look to everyone else, and its been destroying me! I think its finally safe to say that Im done with my eat everything diet, and im finally content with how I am.
This is how God made me. And Im beautiful. Be careful of what you say to people because you never know whats going on inside of them. Just because you may think something is a compliment, doesnt mean that it is. I dont think anyone would want me to go up to them and say "OMG...youre mad fat!" Its hurtful.
All it took was that one little comment to snap me back to reality. You never know which little comment you make will have the adverse affect, and make someone fall over the edge.
** dont let anyone tell you how to be you!!
Ive been battling with my weight for months now. NO im not sick or anything...i dont have any disorders...ive been trying to gain weight.
I never thought anything was wrong with the way I looked. My whole life ive always been really active, ive always eaten a TON, and ive always been thin. No problems whatsoever...until this year.
Between October and December of my sophomore year at Hampton i lost 10 lbs. It sounds crazy, but i honestly didnt even notice until someone pointed out that my jeans were baggy. What?? Ive ALWAYS been the perfect size 3!! I had no clue what was going on with me. I mean, I was eating the same I always had...wtf? Sure I was going through alot, but could stress honestly make me lose 10 lbs in 3 months? It may not even sound like that much, but when youre little to begin with 10 lbs is like a death sentence! The more people commented, the more self conscious i got about my weight.
I hate hate hateeee! when people call me skinny...you might think its funny, but that shit really hurts my feelings. It got to the point where I couldnt even find clothes to fit me...what do u do when a size small is too big? There were even a few times when people made comments and i actually went in the bathroom and cried. Its really mean to make fun of people for things that they cant help, especially when they ask you to stop.
When I came home for Christmas break, my mom made me go to the doctor. You have no idea how bad that made me feel. People were lowkey blaming me for something i had NO control over. I love food too damn much to starve myself lol, believe that. Even after all that i still had to go back to Hampton, hearing about how fucking skinny i was. UGHHH.
Months fly by and all I do is EAT EAT EAT 24/7. I was so damn determined to gain back those 10 lbs...plus 5 just so i never had to hear anyones mouth again. And guess what people..ive finally achieved my original goal of 10!
During this time, i only really talked to a few people about how much the word skinny actually bothered me. I would point out ppl in the student center and say "Hey...i dont look like that girl right?? Im not as thin as her??" Lol, they may have thought I was joking, but i was dead ass trying to figure out just how gross i looked to the outside world.
Last night i was talking to one of my good guy friends about how i really want to get thick..just so im not skinny. and he says the simplest thing..."Jazmyn, youre the perfect size." Thats it. He made me realize that all this time Ive been worrying about how I look to everyone else, and its been destroying me! I think its finally safe to say that Im done with my eat everything diet, and im finally content with how I am.
This is how God made me. And Im beautiful. Be careful of what you say to people because you never know whats going on inside of them. Just because you may think something is a compliment, doesnt mean that it is. I dont think anyone would want me to go up to them and say "OMG...youre mad fat!" Its hurtful.
All it took was that one little comment to snap me back to reality. You never know which little comment you make will have the adverse affect, and make someone fall over the edge.
** dont let anyone tell you how to be you!!
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