There is someone new in my life...I dont wanna jinx it but....*cues beyonce*

"everybody asks me why Im smiling out from ear to ear..." 

;-) <3 :-) <3 :-D

havent been this happy in a while.

The Help

I urge all of my readers to go see (or even read) The Help.

Personally I love history. I love learning about my roots, I believe it gives me a stronger sense of self. But lately I realized a lot of Americans dont feel the same way. Black people dont want to talk about slavery, segregation, etc. because they believe pretend it doesnt exist anymore. That was all sooooo long ago. Lets just forget it happened. White people dont want to talk about those same issues because quite frankly...it makes them uncomfortable. They dont want to be blamed for views that their ancestors may or may not have had because they themselves may have very different views as children of the 21st century.

Let me throw this out there. Separate but equal was not that long ago. In fact Jim Crow laws were only declared unconstitutional about 50 years ago (even though some states didn't truly integrate their communities until years later), most of our parents were alive during this time. They lived our history.

Now back on topic, I think The Help did a wonderful job of portraying this taboo-like time in American history. Set in the 1960's the movie [and book] depicted certain relationships between Whites and their Negro help. What set this movie apart from other similar works was that not only did they show the brutal acts of racism so many of us are used to (and quite frankly tired of) seeing, but they showed that love and friendship were in fact able to transcend color boundaries during this period. Not all Whites who had Black maids were evil. Thats just the way things were done. In many situations the employer and the employee grew to love one another. They became family.

I think its crucial that we as Americans dont forget this part of our past. I think The Help is a movie that people of ALL races should see. Forgetting the past does not effectively allow us to move on as a nation. We need to accept it. It happened, we cant change it, but we can learn from it.

An older west indian neighbor of mine said she was urging her friends and family to see the movie. "We didnt have anything like that in Jamaica. A lot of times we dont understand exactly how bad things were here." I'd never thought of it like that. I didnt realize that just because I know a lot about something doesnt mean that other people do. Her comment opened my eyes.

So now I am urging ALL of my readers to go see the movie or buy the book. Just because something is uncomfortable doesnt mean you should ignore it. Just because you dont talk about it doesnt mean that it doesnt exist in 2011. Educate yourselves. Open your eyes to our history. Grow from the past, allow it to motivate your future.

"If you don't know where you come from, you wont know where you're going."

Morning Thoughts

I dont think I've met him yet.

Who? My husband.

Dont get me wrong...I've been head over heels in love. In fact, I still am [but thats another post]. Its just...all of the guys I've met have been selfish as hell. When I look at my parents relationship...they love each other unconditionally. Even when they fight. Even when they argue. Its all irrelevant to them. Their love shines through and they never let the bullshit affect their family. They get over it. They realize that they have to work hard to get all that they want out of their relationship...and they have no problem doing so. They share a common goal. They compromise.

I've never met someone who was willing to do that for me...or I them. The dudes I've met havent been husband material. That kind of scares me. Sure I've met someone that I would absolutely adore spending my life with....but deep down I know it wouldnt be right. He's too selfish to love me the way that I need him to. Hell, he's too selfish to love me the way that he wants to.

The good thing is...I think I'll know it when I finally do meet him. The one guy who will make all of the others seem insignificant. The man willing to work for our love.

I know he's out there.

Future Dreaming.

Hi my name is Jaz....and I am addicted to Wedding Shows.

Seriously.

My favorites are Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings, both on TLC. These shows have me planning every detail of my wedding from the dress to the reception. The crazy part is...I dont even have a boyfriend yet lol!! Just a boofriend.

sigh. What's a girl to do? My fairytale is so close, yet so far away. I can almost taste my wedding cake! Who is willing to get married so I can attend your wedding and put a temporary end to this insanity?? Pretty pleaseeeee??? lol

so ive been MIA the last week or so. i randomly decided to take a mini vacation to virginia . it seemed like all of my friends were having such a great time together and i was sick of reading their tweets about how much fun they were having without me! lol

all in all it was a great few days. i got here on wednesday and im leaving today. in fact im in the airport right now. i got to spend time with my linesisters from wednesday to friday. had a few drinks. acted a little crazy lol. then on friday night i went to spent the weekend with my hunny. hes down here training for his new job. im so proud of him like...hes a legit grown up now LOL! we had such a good time. i really think this could turn into something good despite all of the crazy shit weve been through the past 2 years.

im finally learning to let go of the past and embrace my future. its wonderful.

2011 Wishlist.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurts?? Im ready to grab 2011 by the horns...this year has the potential to be amazing for me.

Here are some things i hope to achieve in 2011.

1) graduate with honors from Hampton University (May 8, 2011!!!!).

2) obtain this internship that im applying for (i NEED to be in Denver this summer!!).

3) ace this MCAT the second time around (already signed up for a prep course)

4) get hired for a long term position upon completion of my internship.

5) get into GWU medical school (ill be ready to start fall 2012).

and lastly...

6) have the time of my life while accomplishing all of this:-)

I know that these things wont be easy. And I know that none of this will happen if it isnt God's will. But I have faith...i mean, He hasnt steered me wrong yet!

Ambitious Girl.

"...Ambitious Girl...

I'm in love with your business

and your productivity is the reason I interest, ambitious girl

see, I like the person that you are,

but I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be..."

-Wale

Someone to Call My Own

i think id like to be in a relationship.

"i like the whole im single, have fun, do what i want thing...but i love the whole im taken, he loves me, im his girl thing."

im not rushing anything tho. when i find the one ill know it..and it will happen on its own. but i cant wait till it does. whoever is granted the opportunity to be my hunny will probably be spoiled rotten lol.

im 20 yrs old. biologically..this is the time our bodies are searching for mates and life partners.

i dont have time for games.

if you cant see your self with me in the long run, we can be friends..but thats about it. dont waste my time.

the next time i fall in love...it will be a forever love. i promise you.

The Miracles of the Heart

sigh. do you ever completely get over someone who once had your heart? in my book...true love is indestructible. it is everlasting.

despite this...it does change over time. you may fall in and out of love...but you still love him. how could you not?? times weren't always the worst, and at one point he made you smile.

your love may bend and morph. it may allow you to fall in love with someone else. but a portion of it stays with him. it is his, and his is yours. this is unavoidable to me. no matter how hard you try to talk yourself out of it. no matter how hard u try to act like it doesnt phase you when you think hes moved on...you still feel some type of way. at least i do. and i know its the same for guys.

the things our heart is capable of smh.

to be able to hold past, present, and future loves...all in the same being. its remarkable really. none of them go anywhere. they just change according to your physical and mental needs...and make room for another love.

like when parents worry about bringing a new child into a family. they wonder how they could possibly have enough love to go around. how could you possibly be able to love your new baby as much as you love your first? they worry. and then as soon as they see their little ones face, their love instantly multiplies.

the same is true with relationships. you may think that you could never love someone as much as you loved him. its impossible right?

wrong.

one day youll meet a new him. and you'll fall in love again. your heart will make room for this new energy.

no one will be able to replace your past him. and thats ok.

just make sure you realize that you CAN love again. its not impossible ladies.

Love Vs. Money

Today one of my tweeters prompted the question "Whats more important, love or money?" I thought it was such an easy question....MONEY, duh. But the more people responded, I noticed that i was the only person who felt like this.

You guys know im the biggest love lover around...but I had to disagree. I mean, Im not money hungry...nor am I a gold digger...but love can not pay your bills. I wish that the world was different...that love would overcome all adversity. But thats simply not the case.

If a man proposed to you today, he had no job, no income, no car, and no place for u guys to live...but you loved the HELL out of him...would you say yes? I know i wouldnt, and no matter how much u deny it, im sure 99.9% of you would say no also. In fact, I dont think i would even allow myself to get so deeply involved with someone who was not financially stable.

I feel like the thing that would make me happiest in life (after i have a family) will be being able to support them on all fronts. Id love to be able to provide my children with everything that they need, as well as some of the things that they want. Id love to be able to take them to the doctor when theyre sick....because i can afford insurance. I want them to be able to participate in extracurricular activities if they want to. I dont want them to have to worry about how theyre going to pay for college. I want my children to have all of the oppurtunity in the world.

No matter how abundant the love is in our household, no matter how happy they appear, i dont think i will be able to be 100% happy unless i know that i am giving them all that i can. That they have a roof over their heads each night and food in their bellies. That their clothes fit. That they come home everyday and the lights are on...and the water works.

That is success to me. Being able to provide for those that I care about.

I thank God that my parents did the best that they could for my brother and I. We dont have a lot of money...but we do have enough to live a comfortable lifestyle. My parents sacrificed vacations, new clothes (for themselves), and other luxuries all so we could have a better life than they did. They were at every dance recital, every cheer competition, every girl scout ceremony, every PTA meeting, etc. And i love them for that.

To me...in order to be completely happy you have to have both love and money. Love alone cannot provide for your family.

No matter how you twist it...its not possible.

Without the proper balance of both, your happiness will eventually fade.

Who is She to You?

Who is she to you?

A question that so many of us have found ourselves asking time and time again. Always in the back of our minds, the past continuously coincides with our futures. No matter how hard we try, no matter how fast we run, we cannot escape ourselves.

The past is what makes me who i am. I came to the conclusion a few days ago that i dont regret anything thats ever happened to me. All of the heartaches, all of the pain, all of the laughs and lessons learned all make me me. They are the reason that i am able to hold my head high today. The reason i glide when i walk...the reason i am ready for other people to notice the beauty thats been within me all along.

The past defines our relationships. His past, her past, your past all become one the moment that you trust another person with your heart. The things he learned from her, he will carry on and share with you. The mistakes you made with him, you will try your hardest to do things differently this time around. The past should ultimately help you grow into the woman (or man) that you want to be. Both your trials and triumphs will help mold you into the perfect imperfection that someone is longing for.

What do you do, however, when the past is hindering the growth of your relationship? Its not that he has given any cause for alarm, but that she is still trying to fight her way into your picture perfect frame.

As a woman, i am extremely receptive. I notice and remember EVERYTHING. Its not that i go out of my way to be a private eye, i just cant help it....its in my DNA.

What we dont pick up on, our friends do. They become our eyes when we are blind and our ears when we are deaf. Friendship is a beautiful and necessary part of life. But its almost as dangerous as it is wonderful. Friends can "help" you discover things that you never really needed to notice. They put thoughts (and sometimes lies) in your head in an attempt to help you. Just to ensure that you wont get hurt again. Unknowingly pushing you straight into heartbreaks arms.

Pre-heartbreak comes distress. Your past is on my mind nonstop. I find myself asking the same question over and over again: Who is She to You??? Each day, my distress grows a little more, while i struggle to maintain my smile....to ignore it. I realize that i can not erase the past, and i never will attempt to. But i cant help feeling like your past should have some level of respect for your future. I shouldnt have to feel uneasy every time youre not with me. I should be able to trust you freely and whole heartily.

...But your past is causing me to slip into my old ways. Its giving me reason to reconnect with all of the tendencies and emotions that i thought i had left behind. Your past is pushing me further into mine.

You have a decision to make.

What Do You Do?

What do you do, when you dont know what to do?

Im so afraid. Im afraid of the goosebumps that i get when you touch me. Of the butterflies that magically appear when you pull me closer. Of the way i can get lost in your arms....

I am afraid of you.

Each day i feel myself falling for you a little bit more. I find myself kissing you a little bit longer, hugging you a little bit tighter...subconsciously trying to become one with you...and i love it.

But still im afraid.

What if i fall, but you remain standing?

I mean...i promised myself that i would never ever let another man do to me what he did. Never again will i let anyone hurt me like he did. And you promised me that you wouldnt.

But im afraid of the unknown.

Is this thing, this me&you, this us going to work? You knocked down the wall around my heart, and im trying SO hard, to let you love me...to let you care for me. Im trying SO hard to reciprocate that. But my past continues to haunt me. It lurks in the corners of my mind waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for you not to call, to forget all about me. Waiting for me to be alone again.

What do you do, when you dont know what to do? When you find yourself running from both your past AND your future? What do you do when youre trapped in the now, at a standstill...when life is seemingly passing you by?