He invaded my dreams again last night. Why wont these memories die? Why wont they leave me alone?

Morning Thoughts

I dont think I've met him yet.

Who? My husband.

Dont get me wrong...I've been head over heels in love. In fact, I still am [but thats another post]. Its just...all of the guys I've met have been selfish as hell. When I look at my parents relationship...they love each other unconditionally. Even when they fight. Even when they argue. Its all irrelevant to them. Their love shines through and they never let the bullshit affect their family. They get over it. They realize that they have to work hard to get all that they want out of their relationship...and they have no problem doing so. They share a common goal. They compromise.

I've never met someone who was willing to do that for me...or I them. The dudes I've met havent been husband material. That kind of scares me. Sure I've met someone that I would absolutely adore spending my life with....but deep down I know it wouldnt be right. He's too selfish to love me the way that I need him to. Hell, he's too selfish to love me the way that he wants to.

The good thing is...I think I'll know it when I finally do meet him. The one guy who will make all of the others seem insignificant. The man willing to work for our love.

I know he's out there.

Dreamt of him all night long. Damn you first love.

story of my life... getting drunk and talking shit. happens to the best of us i suppose. anyway, i love JoJo's remix of this song. I kinda wish it was hers and not Drakes...

"fuck that new girl thats been in your bed, and when youre in her i know im in your head."

have you ever had someone on your mind 24/7???

....yea, me neither.

To Whom it may Concern:

You wont talk to me, and there is no other way for me to get this off my chest. Ive been combing through each and every detail of our relationship lately...trying to figure out where things went wrong. Ive come to the conclusion that my only mistake was falling in love with a boy who wasn't ready to be in love. And yours-- falling in love with a girl who loves you unconditionally.
You see, I fell head over heels for you. I gave you my all...let you touch my spirit. You felt [and still feel] this way about me also, that's undeniable. But...it scared you. We were too young, too in love, too everything to ever possibly work. Neither one of us had had the opportunity to experience life. To date other people, to potentially fall "in love" with another before we found each other. So here we were, two kids, madly in love. You wanting to turn back time out of fear, and me ready to spend my life with you. Loving you unconditionally.
I don't think this was preventable really. We were drawn to each other. I felt my souls completion with you. Not that I was incomplete before...but I just felt content. Unstoppable even. Through everything, this feeling is the one thing that remains constant. Unconditional.
Finally your fear got the best of you. Your fear combined with your "friends." You became a follower. You let other peoples views about us control your thoughts. You let them creep into your heart. And you hurt me. Purposefully. Over and over. You said things to me I could have never envisioned coming out of your mouth. How could those words form on your tongue?! The tongue that spoke the words "I Love You," just sentences before. You treated me like a whore to impress your friends. You lied. You did all of the things you promised never to do. Yet still...I love[d] you.
See I know the real you. I know your weaknesses, your insecurities, your fears. And I know our love is real. I feel it in your touch, your kiss, your smile. I hear it in your jokes, your laugh. I see it in the way you look at me.
Fast forward to my last visit (during one of our good periods). Your brothers informed me that you loved me deeply. "You know how he is. He acts like he doesn't care about anything...but he does. That boy loves the shit out of you Jaz. Don't tell him I told you." Things I already knew. I stopped pressing "us" on you long ago. I realized that when you were ready, things would happen the way they were supposed to. You were the one initiating the hand holding. The kisses. The loving stares. It was you. And I loved every moment of it.
Still I stayed in my lane. We weren't together so I had no expectations for you. I only took what you were willing to give. No more, no less. You were my best friend. I was just happy you were willing to share a small part of yourself with me once again.
Then my accident. You didn't call to check up on me. I made excuses for you, "midterms are coming up!" I avoided peoples questions and suspicions regarding your obvious absence. You weren't there when I was worried about not being the same ever again. To get me through my flashbacks. To tell me everything would be ok. That hurt.
I decided I was going to talk to you about it when I saw you a few weeks later. I was tired of having to walk on eggshells around you out of fear that you would retreat back into your shell and we would be back at square one once again. You are famous for that you know? But opportunities came and opportunities went. You were retreating back to your old ways all on your own and I was too afraid to do anything that would completely push you over the edge. I held my tongue and enjoyed your presence.
Before we said goodbye I could tell things weren't normal. At least whatever normal was for us at that point in time. I left...and that's the last I heard of you. I texted, I called. Maybe his phone is acting up. I facebook messaged, I skyped. No....he's just ignoring me. Once again.
I am 100% positive that you do these things because you know you can. You know I can never leave things completely alone. Do you find joy in that? Does it make you feel wanted? My theory is that you think I want more from you then I actually do. Just because we are on good terms does not mean we will be the way we once were. I know that. I'm content living life one day at a time. I'm happy just enjoying your presence. You think I want so much from you, and once again, you run away scared. After all we've been through, after all these years, you'd think you would be able to verbalize your concerns to me. It hurts to know that you still don't trust or respect me enough to do that. To speak whats on your mind. Are you not grown up enough to say whats on your heart?
Even if we were never to be together romantically, I value you enough to want to maintain our friendship. I love you enough to want to see you happy. But you wont even talk to me. Were grown now. Open your mouth and speak. Even if its just to say, "I don't want to talk to you ever again." You at least owe me that much.
I know you aren't a bad person, even though you've built up this persona to make it seem like you are. Very brilliant really, coming off as the villain so that you never have to address your feelings. But I know the real you. You cant fool me. You missed my graduation. You didn't even call on my birthday. You've let the projection you've created of yourself consume you.
I need closure at least. This seems like the closest I am going to get to it. Selfish boy.
Still my dumb ass loves you....unconditionally.

Sincerely,
Me.

Silver and Gold.

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."

Who knew this song i learned in girl scouts so many years ago would be so relevant today? Just because someone new has entered your life doesnt mean you have to drop all of the people who loved and cared for you in the past.

In this particular situation....it shows me you arent ready to move on. You know if you stay in contact with me you'll be head over heels again. Its funny having this new prospective on things... the realization that I have this power over you.

Nice knowing Im not the only weakling when it comes to us.

Who runs the world?? ;-)

"You forgot to call me on my birthday

I swear Im the last thing on your mind.

There is nothing you can do to fix it, all I ever asked you for was time.

Now the lights don't glow the same way that they used to.

And you finally get a moment to yourself

You realize I was everything youre missing.

And I tell you Im in love with someone else...."

**Im way too gorgeous, talented, and intelligent for this. And my love is too damn good to be thrown back in my face. Im taking my heart back...straight like that.

i hadnt cried in a long while...until today.

just when i think im doing good...i see some shit that breaks my heart...literally.

"Never ignore a person who loves you and cares for you. One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."

**ironic that i came across this quote today.

i hate being ignored...especially by you.

why arent you man enough to face me? to handle things like an adult? after all that weve been through?

i dont get it at all.

Consistently Inconsistent.

inconsistency kills me.

but at least youre consistently inconsistent right?

sometimes you act so in love....like im the only one that matters. like you know its meant to be.

and other times...yea.

i dont get it...im so confused. i learned a long time ago not to blame myself for your mood swings. but it still hurts. why dont you feel like you can be honest with me?? that you can tell me whats on your mind?

what changes in a matter of seconds?

"I've never been bitter because I've ALWAYS been loved. No matter what we go thru I know I have his heart..."

drunken [and seemingly confident] love tweets from me, your local hopeless romantic lol. Happy New Year =]

Just a Thought.

i dont take shit from anybody.

seriously its nothing for me to cut someone off.

but with you??.....

yea somethings never change lol

The Art of Self Control.

i need to work on exercising self control. its hard for me...im a taurus...it goes against everything we stand for! i cant help but be persistent. im determined to get what i want. smh.

i mastered the art of self control once...or at least i thought i did. i remained passive in certain instances even though i was dying to actively achieve my goal. i held my tongue and timed each move out perfectly. i made a plan and stuck to it. it worked...until i began receiving the positive results id been longing for.

that positive feedback destroyed all of my progress. i got so wrapped up in the feeling of accomplishment that i failed to see my plan all the way through. and now im back at square one.

what drives me is the knowledge that not all hope is lost. that i can and WILL achieve my goal one day...sooner than later depending on how well i go about everything.

ive grown so much the past few years. but this remains my handicap. i have too much drive, too much passion...it becomes overbearing due to my lack of control.

i guess its never too late to start all over...right?

Our Aura.

up late...yearning to have a heart to heart with you.
i dont even know what i would say.
but just the opportunity to hear your voice
would put my mind at ease.
we could even sit on the phone in silence.
the knowledge that youre there on the other end,
patiently waiting for me
would make my night.

why are things so different?
why so many off days??
they are all so easy to forget once i get ahold of your smile...
your kiss, your touch, your aura.

your aura...
do you realize how beautiful it is?
i glow when im in its presence.
it rubs off on me.
it is illuminated through my smile...
my kiss, my touch, MY aura.

our aura.
so powerful and enduring.
beautiful beyond measure...
everlasting.

The Wait.

sometimes we get caught up in the future. chasing things that havent occurred.

im sick and tired of it. no matter how fast i run, im still stuck in the present...ill never be able to catch up with the future..ever.

so im trying to live in the now...taking each day one at a time, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.

because time will tell everything.

all of the mysteries of today will be unraveled eventually. things will begin to make sense. the vision will get clearer.

im not saying its not hard...but i think im finally okay with waiting (not that i had a choice).

...

i stopped counting.

After Winter, Must Come Spring

this week has been surprisingly wonderful.

its much needed after experiencing the hardest week ever last week.

ive been getting such beautiful text messages lately. just little notes saying that im loved and encouraging me to have a great day. i love that! it makes me feel so special...and i really think it makes my day a whole lot brighter.

i also got a 97 on my stats test....WOOOO HOOOO!! i was totally not expecting that. i was SO stressed this weekend because i had 2 tests on monday (stats and organic chem yuckkk). I really wasnt grasping the material like i needed to, and being the over achiever that i am, it drove me crazy. i was so sad smh.

i guess its true when they say 'after winter must come spring.' last week was so dreary...i cried every single day...but it all made me strong enough to do what i need to do this week.

there is a lesson in everything.

last weeks lesson was on patience. it was about trusting God to do whats best for me and to eventually get me where i need to be, no matter how bad things seem at the moment.

im looking forward to the rest of my week being just as fabulous as these first few days have been =]

day 29.

Im Learning.

sometimes it gets hard.

when things in my life get difficult, i look for those encouraging words. i look for someone to guide me. to tell me everythings going to be okay. to offer their advice, even if its not what i want to hear.

sometimes...i look for someone who will simply hold me when i cry. who will let me get it all out. who will listen patiently. who will make things better in the end.

im not used to being all that for myself. im not used to being my own backbone...to wiping my own tears.

but im learning.

im learning that not everyone i encounter in my lifetime will possess these qualities...no matter how badly i want them to.

im learning what it means to be my own bestfriend.

im learning to be independent.

and its hard.

so hard.

day 27.