Why Buy the Cow?

"if a man thinks he wont lose you, then he doesnt have to work to keep you."
-Ashley Michelle



....day 1.

i did it.

Expect Less

okay, so i may have jumped to some conclusions earlier.

but i still needed to do what i did. i needed to make him completely unavailable to me. so that i could see if im the only one whos heart is still in this.

either way, i need to start healing.

i need to know that all of this wasnt in vain.

hopefully i was wrong about everything. hopefully he'll make things better..

but im not expecting anything.

Understanding

the worst thing is knowing, that no matter how much you love someone...he will never love you the same.

that he doesnt care enough to make sure youre okay.

..i cant do it anymore.

youd think id run out of tears by now...but theyre still here.

Ex-Factor

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will..

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will


Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

Silver && Gold

so...im sitting here at 11 o'clock on a friday night blown outta my mind. i really wanna go out and have some fun!

i realize now that i need new friends. i mean, id still keep the old...but i need to start branching out. i need to be comfortable hanging out with different people. i need a change.

and i mean female friends. ive never been a catty girl...ive always had a plethora of girlfriends on deck...but not in college. i found a group i was comfortable with freshman yr and i settled.

thats one of my biggest regrets. i never got out there and networked. sure i have a ton of "school" friends..but none that i can call up on the weekends and say 'ayy girlie..lets go out!'

i want that. badly...sigh...i hope its not too late.

'make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver and the others gold."

Lonely Pain.

sometimes i wish i had a best friend. a hard core one.

ive had so many throughout the yrs...but none who have remained constant.

i dont usually tell all my business...but i think it would nice to have someone there...just in case i decided to.

im so lonely lately. even in a room full of people. its like im sitting in darkness. like somethings missing.

i thought id found one...finally. but theyve been playing me as of late---at the time when i need them the most. i dont know why..i dont understand it.

it hurts.

when you think you have someone, and they suddenly disappear..you realize you have no one but yourself.lonely pain is the worst pain, im convinced.

i think maybe ive been alone for some time now...i just didnt realize it.

my heart aches.

Silly Bitch.

SMH so despite all of the progress ive made..it all came crashing down yesterday.

I feel so silly. I allowed you to come back into my world and i put my guard down. stupid stupid stupid me. Months ago, if you would have treated me this way, i would have shook it off...'fuck him..im over it.' but now...

you had me thinking that maybe..just MAYBE you changed. its not your fault..i should have known better right?

absolutely.

remember, i know you. perhaps better than anyone. and you love me. it scares you. ive tried sitting back and allowing you to come to terms with this..but IM DONE.

ITS UNFORTUNATE that no matter how many seasons pass, you still do.the.same.shit. smh. im not saying that im done with you...not yet. but i am done letting you treat me like some bitch off the street.

you dont hurt the person you love. over and over again.

you dont make her cry at night.

you dont disregard her feelings and shut her out when she tries to talk to you.

im done. i wont be here forever. ive told you this before....but maybe you dont believe me? idk.

im not pressed anymore. if you want to talk to me...you hit me up. you call to see how things are going. you call to wish me good luck on a test. one day hopefully you'll be man enough to accept your feelings...and to show them to me.

if not...gee thats unfortunate...but ill be okay.

i cant even front and say im not hurt. because i am. you still dont give a fuck..and you probably never did.

im done being the silly bitch.