The Wait.

sometimes we get caught up in the future. chasing things that havent occurred.

im sick and tired of it. no matter how fast i run, im still stuck in the present...ill never be able to catch up with the future..ever.

so im trying to live in the now...taking each day one at a time, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.

because time will tell everything.

all of the mysteries of today will be unraveled eventually. things will begin to make sense. the vision will get clearer.

im not saying its not hard...but i think im finally okay with waiting (not that i had a choice).

...

i stopped counting.

After Winter, Must Come Spring

this week has been surprisingly wonderful.

its much needed after experiencing the hardest week ever last week.

ive been getting such beautiful text messages lately. just little notes saying that im loved and encouraging me to have a great day. i love that! it makes me feel so special...and i really think it makes my day a whole lot brighter.

i also got a 97 on my stats test....WOOOO HOOOO!! i was totally not expecting that. i was SO stressed this weekend because i had 2 tests on monday (stats and organic chem yuckkk). I really wasnt grasping the material like i needed to, and being the over achiever that i am, it drove me crazy. i was so sad smh.

i guess its true when they say 'after winter must come spring.' last week was so dreary...i cried every single day...but it all made me strong enough to do what i need to do this week.

there is a lesson in everything.

last weeks lesson was on patience. it was about trusting God to do whats best for me and to eventually get me where i need to be, no matter how bad things seem at the moment.

im looking forward to the rest of my week being just as fabulous as these first few days have been =]

day 29.

Im Learning.

sometimes it gets hard.

when things in my life get difficult, i look for those encouraging words. i look for someone to guide me. to tell me everythings going to be okay. to offer their advice, even if its not what i want to hear.

sometimes...i look for someone who will simply hold me when i cry. who will let me get it all out. who will listen patiently. who will make things better in the end.

im not used to being all that for myself. im not used to being my own backbone...to wiping my own tears.

but im learning.

im learning that not everyone i encounter in my lifetime will possess these qualities...no matter how badly i want them to.

im learning what it means to be my own bestfriend.

im learning to be independent.

and its hard.

so hard.

day 27.

Sick.

im sick.

ive been stuck in the bed since thursday=[

i hate being sick when im away from home because theres no one to take care of me. ive been doing everything on my own and it sucks...i just want to rest.

im extra bored, and theres no one for me to talk to. i know im driving ppl crazy by texting them non stop...but a true ROD [ride or die] would put up with and entertain my nagginess.

everyday i feel a little better, but a new symptom pops up smh.

sigh.

day 26

Im Just a Sinner.

..and i know its wrong to want to see someone fail. and im trying not to feel this way.

but honestly. i dont want you to be happy. i feel that way from the very bottom of my heart.

it makes me sick feeling this way.

but if you denied me my fairytale, why should you have yours?!

karma karma karma.

it sucks knowing what Jesus would want you to do..knowing how He would want you to think. but not being able to change no matter how hard you try.

im just a sinner. =[

and ill pray on it. and ill try, i really will, to wish you well.

but for now it is what it is.

Fury.

i am so totally and completely jealous of you...its ridiculous.

honestly. i dont understand why you didnt want me to be happy. you ruined our happiness. all for your own gain.

you were selfish.

but when the oppurtunity came for you to be happy...you snatched it up. you prevented me from having what you finally found.

my mother told me never to say i hate someone [she says its too strong of a word]...but i really really really fucking dislike you.

YES.

i blame YOU for EVERYTHING.

you selfish bastard.

this has been heavy on my heart for so long...and i cant hold it in any longer.

you were supposed to be his friend.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i blame you for being so selfish. and i blame you for being such a follower.

day flippin 21.